Haiku Ka Choo

I have decided to honor you all with a series of Haiku's for your reading enjoyment.


Cat

Cat independent
You think you own, but you don't
Hair balls; eff you cat

Dog

Much better than cat
Sure they lick balls then lick you
Happy to see you

Mornings

Mornings are the worst
Coffee life's blood; must have you
Stupid Governor

SCUBA
Breath under water
Visibility endless
I need more SCUBA

Simpsons
Cartoon family
Dysfunctional family
O.J. killed his wife

Music
Melodic rhythm
Good beat and can dance to it
I give it a ten

Winter

Cold snow blankets all
Looks pretty, no fun to drive
Go away Winter

The Demise of Radio

I realize that I am getting older. Everyday I do or say something that is a cold, hard slap of reality in the face. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am old just yet. But when I can't move because my back is Eff'd up or I look at the resplendent waves of whiskers in my goatee, I can see father time taking his toll on me.

But today I became overly contemplative about my senectitude (SAT word of the day) due to a simple a thing as listening to the radio. You might go straight to the NPR card, but no, not so. This day I turned on the radio as I drove in to work and I hear a tasty gem from the 70's era by The Commodores. The funktastic, Brick House. The very first concert I ever went to was The Commodores, I am not ashamed, I loved it. This is still one of my top 5 concerts ever.

This, however is not the reason I am pondering my agedness.

So I am bustin' a funk groove in my car, (it's dark outside so no one can really see just how white and foolish I am, as I bounce and funk it up) and the damn, idiotic morning "disc jockeys" and I use this term loosely, begin talking over the song.

I have two pet peeves, ok I have more, but as they pertain to the radio I have two.

A) I absolutely HATE it when a radio station cuts the end of a song off. This drives me insane.

B) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER talk over the song.

.

Both of these things are just like nails on a chalk board to me. Ok deep breaths Rich.

I decided a few years ago, that I have grown to despise morning radio. I feel that they contribute absolutely nothing to society nor do I find them amusing at all. These morons this morning were making feeble attempts at humor (talking over the music) about this song and failing miserably. I just don't get it anymore. I used to, but I no longer have the patience for such idiocy. Hence my oldness. I feel like the old man on his porch, shaking his fist and yelling at the kids to "get off my lawn!"

Back in the day I lived to listen to Jon and Dan in the morning on 103.5. I thought those guys were the best and would go out of my way to listen religiously. Once they broke up and went away, I moved on to Jimmy Chunga and the various partners he had. I particularly enjoyed he and Mister West. Hell I even won an all expense paid trip to Greece from them, so I had reason to like them. The other program I enjoyed and in a pinch I still tune in, is the Radio from Hell on X96. However, by and large I have just grown weary of all the yammerin' and stupidity that is propagated by these people.

To make matters worse a lot of stations have afternoon drive time "disc jockeys" (still using the term loosely) and they do and say the same damn shit. Maybe it's just me, but what ever happened to listening to the radio to, oh I don't know, LISTEN TO THE MUSIC? (Doobie Brothers) I just hate them so much! Radio DJ's, not the Doobies.

"But Rich" you say, "why don't you just listen to your Ipod?" Good question my friend. Now don't freak out when I tell you this, but I don't own an Ipod. Ok that is a small lie. I own one but it is broken and it's a old piece of dung. (much like the steaming pile of feces that these alleged radio DJ's produce, wrap it in tin foil, attach fish hooks and call them ear rings.) The thing just gave up the ghost about a year ago. Being a poor social worker, I haven't the monetary wherewith all to replace it with the one I really want, the 80 gig video Ipod. I am like the only one that doesn't have one. That plus I would need to purchase a fancy shmancy transmitter thingy mabobby to make it work with the radio so I could listen in the car.

Sure I could listen to CD's and I often do. I know right? You kids thought CD was a dead technology. Gone the way of the LP and cassette tapes.

So pity me people, feel my pain. I don't have an Ipod and I hate morning radio. I don't know how I manage to make it into work every morning under such extremely torturous circumstances either.

If you really cared about me you would get me a black 80 gig Ipod, thats all I'm saying.

Love/Hate

So I am watching an unplugged version of the Black Crowes on the Telee yesterday. I like me some Black Crowes, saw them in concert and quite enjoyed them. I enjoy listening to Chris Robinson orate on his music. He says some pretty funny and outrageous stuff that really makes you think.

But then I start thinking about when I went to the concert with some buddies of mine and the wife says to me...."if Kate Hudson is there, you can't run off with her." Don't get me wrong, I am waaaaay better lookin' than Chris Robinson, but I don't have a kick ass band, she would never go for me. But then she goes and dumps Chris for Owen Wilson.

Ok I get it, he's cute with the blond hair and all, but his nose is just atrocious. No worries it's his trademark I wouldn't expect him to change that, plus hell, he got Kate to leave Chris so there has to be something to this guy.

The point I am going for here is this. I am watching this concert and thinking, I like the Black Crowes, so what if it were the case that I was Kate Hudson and I split from Chris. Would I automatically have to stop liking the Black Crowes? How does that really work? Now granted, she cheated on Chris, so I don't necessarily think that she has to stop liking the Black Crowes music. I am working on the assumption that she actually did like them, after all she was married to Chris Robinson, I would hope she was into his music.

Of course he may think, "Eff that little whore, she don't get to listen to me pour my soul into my craft." Maybe Chris actually told her to her face, "Eff you, you little whore, don't you ever buy my album or come to my shows ever again." In that case I could see Kate having a bit of a dilemma on her hands.

Then I gotta wonder if Chris would stop going to her movies. What if he really likes Matthew McConaghey, (let's say that he scores his pot from Matt), does he never watch that movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 days ever again? (Not that it's a great movie to begin with, but for the sake of the discussion, Chris likes it.) Then what?

What about Heather Locklear? Does she have to hate on Bon Jovi because Richie Sambora went and banged Denise Richards? Who could stop listening to the Jovi? Not me! So how does Heather cope with that, I mean her Ipod would take a serious hit if she has to stop liking Bon Jovi. For Denise Richards she gets the bonus of still having an Ipod full of rockin' Bon Jovi, AND she is no longer obliged to endure having to watch Two and Half Men. I can't see how she loses in this vignette. But poor Heather she has to turn to little man David Spade for her needs. Could you imagine those two competing for mirror time? I almost think that his hair demands as much attention as Heather's does. Don't hate him because he's beautiful Heather, men's hair needs love too.

Cover This

So I'm listening to the Pandora this morning and a song comes on that I kind of really dig. It was a cover song of Manic Monday. I know a little something about mania, being a social worker and dealing with mentally ill people that exhibit such a disorder, and quite frankly I don't ever feel manic on Monday, in fact quite the opposite. That aside, I think the original song was alright. I didn't mind it when the Bangles put it out there, it had a good beat and you could dance to it, I would give it a 6 out of 10.

The one thing that the Bangles had going for them was that Suzanna Hoffs was pretty hot. Actually the whole band wasn't too shabby to look at, especially to a teenager with ragin' hormones. Although I must admit that when she sang the Walk Like an Egyptian, that eye thing she did was a bit funky and made me believe that she might go all Fatal Attraction. Oh and that dance, what the crap was that? Yeah I didn't care for that at all, but the song was ok. But I digress.

The point is that I actually liked this cover of the song better than the original. I am usually the first one to stand up and put on my sense of moral judgement when it comes to the corruption of a perfectly good song. Like the Godsmack does a cover of the Led Zeppelin tune Good Times Bad Times. I hate it. I like to think that I am a purist when it comes to some of the classics, and the Mighty Mighty Zep is just not a band whose music you go and mess with. Oh and don't get me started on these damn "mash up" songs that the idiot DJ's are doing. They think they are so cool, taking two songs and re-mixing them together. I absolutely DETEST these moronic music monkeys who think they are oh so clever, creating such an atrocity and then forcing the public to be tortured by listening to this crap.

A lot of times someone does a cover song and people had never heard it before. I remember when that little bitch Tiffany did I Think We're Alone Now. I remember hearing people say what a great song that was, when in reality Tommy James and the Shondells had done it back in the 60's, long before that ungrateful little princess was even a twinkle in her father's eye. Foolish children thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread, when in reality she was just a little mall rat, duping young girls into thinking that they could live the American dream, touring around and singing to droves of screaming teenie boppers in the mall. And I know some of you dudes out there were running out to those glorified glee club performances, just on the hopes that she would take a look at your horrible 80's hair doo and drag you back stage to the ladies room that was converted to her dressing room and give you a NCMO.

I think there are plenty of really good cover songs that are actually better than the originals. I won't make a list because well, I don't want to. Feel free to add comments and make your own list and I will judge you, or maybe Boyd will, since believes that he is the end all be all of what is good in music. Viva La Rush!

GROSS Anatomy

My wife is buggin' me to go see this Body exhibit. Have you seen this thing? Apparently there are several of these things around the world and they are comprised of all these dead people that have donated themselves to science. Then in return for their good deeds, they have been re-paid by being turned inside out and put on display. They are basically mummified and posed in all these awkward positions. Maybe it's just me, but this just gives me the heebie jeebies. As an aside, what is a heebie jeebie and are they contagious?

I don't get it. These are dead human corpses people! Gross! To make matters worse I checked out the website and I'll be damned if they aren't selling merchandise. Oh I realize that merchandising is the sweetest nugget when it comes to this sort of thing, but seriously people. A key chain with one of these zombified homo sapiens?

I have to believe that these things are coming alive at night just like in that lame ass movie A Night at the Museum. You thought Ben Stiller had it bad with that cheeky little monkey stealing his keys all the time. Mix in some zombies looking to satisfy their need for brains and that little monkey will look like a chia pet in comparison. (Notice the inclusion of my previous two blogs?)

So this is one of those things that I believe I will have to give in to, because she said please like a thousand times. I have no desire to go see these freaky things, but I probably will because that's just the kind of guy that I am. Don't worry, I'll get mine by making her do something she absolutely doesn't want to do. Compromise is a lovely thing!

Ch ch ch chia

Has anyone ever actually purchased and grown a Chiapet? You can tell me, I won't judge. As Christmas nears it occurs to me that we will start seeing advertisements for this mythical creature, the Chia. I have always been curious about these things, not enough to actually make the purchase, but there is a certain level of intrigue that they hold for me.

A quick scan of Wiki tells me that they first crashed onto the scene in 1982 and are named Chia Pets after the plant Salvia hispanica, common name chia. Apparently this is edible, much like the alfalfa sprouts that one might consume on a lovely salad or samich. Perhaps you may think the same thing I did when I saw Salvia in the name. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Salvia, this is also a herb, only one that is used by kids these days as a hallucinogen. This however, was a dead end. I had postulated that one would only purchase such a novelty item on the supposition that the plant must posses some sort of recreational uses, but further Wiki-search has put the proverbial kibosh on that theory.

Anyone out there remember Sea Monkeys? Damn those were cool. Well, when I was like 6 they were cool. Then someone broke the news to me that they were just brine shrimp. Talk about a real downer. I would put that one right up there with the Tooth Fairy not being real. I loved those little aquatic monkeys swimming around in their little sea cage. I imagined them doing all sorts of funny, underwater, monkey shines. (see my earlier post for examples!) I tell you what, someone was thinkin'when they marketed brine shrimp as Sea Monkeys. They got my parents money!

I won't even go into the farce that is the pet rock. P.T. Barnum said it best,(although this is even disputed as to what he really said) "There's a sucker born every minute." God bless free enterprise.

Chicken Delight

Original or Extra Crispy? Who doesn't love some KFC? I like original recipe, so delicious. Damn that Colonel with his wee bitty eyes. Everyone knows that he puts a chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly. (Hardly original I know) What is it about those eleven herbs and spices that makes it so good? The colonel is truly evil for creating such a mistress. It really is finger lickin' good! I have been known, on many the occasion, to avoid the usage of a napkin in lieu of a good finger lickin'. That would just be a waste of perfectly good chicken juice. Mmmmm chicken juiiicceee.....aaaaghhhhh (drool)

I don't mind the Extra Crispy, in fact quite the opposite. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you still get all the eleven herbs and spices AND as a bonus you get the extra breading. How can you go wrong there? The left over crumbs are delectable little nuggets of joy, just sitting there for your snacking pleasure.

Don't forget the sides. I know it's just instant, fake potatoes, but I'll be damned if I don't just adore their mashed potatoes and gravy. Oh and the slaw....mmmmm. That slaw juice mixes in with the gravy and it is almost ambrosia. I'm not a huge biscuit fan, I prefer the cornbread. I think the biscuits are kind of dry and crumbly, although throw some gravy on those bad boys and now you're talkin' about a delicious combination.
I have a real Pavlovian response going at the moment. I am salivating and my tummy is growling. I should know better than to go writing a blog during lunch time. Think I'm a gonna go get me a three piece.