Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I like to think that I am somewhat of a cultured individual. I have been to the opera, ballet, theatre, (I even spelled theater the English way. That should prove that I have culture). I enjoy, and can talk competently about fine wines. I can tell the difference between Van Gogh and Picasso, I have eaten escargot at French restaurants, and been to the symphony. I can mingle with society types with the best of them I believe, and all of this, despite my parents up-rooting me from Northern California at an early age, and ploppin' me right smack dab in the middle of probably the least cultured part of the planet, Heber City, Utah.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to immerse myself in these particular things, but I have certainly found enjoyment in them at times, and feel like I am a better person for having had the experiences. No, I would much rather spend an afternoon watching Utah kick BYU up and down the football field than go to the opera. I enjoy low brow, even crass humor, much more than the hilarity of the Magic Flute. However there are still some things of a cultural nature, that I would like to do before I depart from this earthly realm.

I need to visit the Louvre, enjoy Michelangelo's masterpiece on the Sistine Chapel in Rome, in fact I should probably just visit Europe in general. But there is one thing that I need to try that is associated with culture, at least as far as I can deduce, that I have never seen nor used,to date. I know of their existence, and am intrigued. I am speaking of the bidet.

I saw one once on the Crocodile Dundee. "It's for washin' your backside" he says. This movie single handedly sparked a fire deep within my soul to live the high society lifestyle so that I could have access to such a gift from God as a bidet.

I have to admit that it seems like it would be a useful instrument to have lying around your bathroom, but alas I have never had the opportunity. Many is the time that I have wished I had one. Think of the ramifications it could have on the environment by reducing or eliminating toilet paper. Perhaps this is the "go green" business opportunity that I have been looking for. I need to get right on this, and if any of you think of stealing my idea, remember, I have said it before, I am quite litigious!

Through my train of thought, I got to wondering about the logistics of using a bidet. For example, I know that I don't particularly enjoy it when I get a back splash from a plopper. Who does? So then I get to thinking that shooting a stream of cold water up your bum might not be so pleasant despite the obvious up side to being able to have a nice clean crevasse. Let's say you go ahead and utilize one, then what? Is there a wash cloth handy for the dirty work? Is there a bar of soap? Do you have a towel rack next to the bidet for wash cloths and towels? And what of the wet towel and wash cloths if this is the case? Is there laundry basket in proximity for damp bum towels or do you just drop them on the floor and let "the help" take care of that? I imagine that you don't want to be drying your face off with a bum towel and I certainly don't want to be the one rounding up the wet bum towels for the laundry. I suppose it would definitely necessitate having "people" to do that for you.

I would think that you must dis-robe to use a bidet, at least your pantaloons. I can't imagine that you could effectively just drop your drawers and have much success without incidental water coming in contact with your pants, thus creating a whole other issue of walking around with wet trousers subsequent to partaking of the cleansing power of the bidet.

Yep, I have lots of questions about the bidet. It seems like a pain in the ass, well not literally, but it sure seems like the benefits would outweigh the trouble, and is something that I would like to experience some day.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thank You

The Northern Hemisphere is firmly entrenched in Autumn. The mountains have begun to don their snow caps, the leaves have turned colors and begun to fall from the outstretched branches on which they had been perched for the previous months. The eleventh month has arrived and it has been designated a time of reflection on the last year. We are given the opportunity to express our gratitude for those things that have enhanced and made our lives worthwhile. A season of graciousness and giving is now upon us and in honor of this, I think I will compile a list of things that I am thankful for, again, in no particular order. Now I don't want y'all taking exception that I am not listing the traditional things such as family, friends, job, etc. Those things are a constant just as the sun will always rise in the East. I want to give thanks for those things that may not get props on a regular basis or that only happen on occasion.

1. Caffeine: What can I say about caffeine that most people don't already know. It is the life's blood of all that is good and decent. I am consistently thankful for the substance that daily, jolts me into production. Whatever form you prefer to have it delivered into your blood stream is good. I like the coffee, followed closely by the Diet Mt. Dew. I would probably take it intravenously, however I am a needle phobe and well, we all know that isn't a realistic delivery system albeit extremely effective I am certain.

2. High Definition Television: What did I ever do before I obtained my 50 inch plasma screen high definition television? One of God's greatest gifts to man is the gift of life, but what kind of life would it be without the crispy clear picture of a high definition telee? I honestly can't watch a program in regular definition any more. I hate it, it's like I am blind. I thank God for my Television and the accompanying programming. It is truly one of my favorite things.

3. The 49ers finally fired Mike Nolan: It's no big secret that I am a humongo 49er faithful. Ever since my child hood growing up in Northern California I was a die hard fan. I suffered through a lot of bad years to get to the glory days of the 80's and early 90's of being a Niner's fan. In recent times this once proud franchise has plummeted in to relative, well, irrelevance. The coach for the last 4 years had been Mike Nolan whose father was once the coach. He came with high hopes along with history and expectations. But the team consistently stunk it up under the Nolan regime. I couldn't stand listening to this man speak. He made no sense to me when he talked. He drove the team into the ground and I have been saying for awhile now that he needed to go. Actually the ownership needs to go as well, but I have high hopes for Jed York who is taking a more hands on approach to the team. Back when Eddie Debartalo owned the team he had the ship going in the right direction until his indiscretions and he had to leave my beloved Niners to his sister and her lame ass husband. Eddie says that Jed has the right stuff and I sure hope he is right. Meanwhile I am thankful I don't have to listen to that blathering idiot Mike Nolan. Now I get to hear about Samurai Mike Singletary dropping his pantaloons in the locker room at half time to demonstrate the ass whoopin' that they were taking at the hands of an equally bad Seattle team. Thank you 8lb 6oz baby Jesus for getting rid of a lame duck coach and bringing us one of the greatest linebackers to play the game.

4. The Utes are 10 and 0: We have two more games to go, to repeat the accomplishments of the 2004 Ute team that won the Fiesta Bowl. I am mostly thankful that BYU lost to TCU, opening the door for Utah to jump ahead in the BCS standings and have a chance to repeat their historical year in 2004. If they don't stumble this week at San Diego it sets up a huge game at Rice-Eccles Stadium on November 22nd. The last few years BYU has been able to eek out a last minute win against the U, but this year will be different. Go Utes!

5. Rib Eye Steaks: Seasoned to perfection and grilled to medium rare. I love to grill and who can resist a beautifully marbled piece of rib eye steak? It has to be one of the most delicious of God's wondrous blessings to mankind. I know some may say the Fillet, but as for me and my house I will serve the Rib Eye.

6. Bush only has 68 days left as President: Is there anyone left out there that thinks Bush has done right by our great nation? I know there has to be, after all his approval rating is in the teens! Forgive me for bringing politics into my blog, but I am indeed grateful that America has grown weary of business as usual. I don't know that Obama will be the great white, I mean black, hope that people believe him to be, but I certainly don't think he can do worse. I will however, miss playing the "do a shot of tequila" every time Bush says "nucular" game, during his speeches! My liver however will be thankful that he is leaving.

7. Breakfast Cereal: Anyone who has kids can appreciate and give thanks for the idea that you don't have to wake up every morning and make breakfast like in the olden days. Drop a box of Count Chocula on the table in the morning, along with a bowl and a spoon, and voila! Happy kids, happy parents.

8. The Dick in a Box video: If you haven't seen this masterpiece then you have been sorely deprived of one of the truly magnificent creations to ever grace the airwaves. Saturday Night Live has given us many, many great memories over the years, but in my opinion none as wonderful as this video. For those of you who are offended by the title of the song, well perhaps you should not partake, but I highly recommend that you watch it here

9. The Dollar Menu at McDonalds: You gotta love it, oh wait that is Hot Rod Hundly. I'm lovin' it is Mickey Dees. Being a poor social worker as I am, one must continuously be on the look out for ways to conserve coinage. Also being a fat man I have to get the most bang for my buck. One must agree that the golden arches has a way of hitting the spot, and for just a measly buckarooni you can get a satisfyingly delicious samich. Many is the time that I have made the trek to acquire me some good ol' dollar menu selections and come away satisfied that I got filled and didn't have to spend a lot of money. Now granted, my blood delivery system may not be quite as thankful for these greasy delights, but I sure am.

10. Rock Band: Now I don't know about you, but me, I will never get to fulfill my dream of becoming an actual rock star. But now, thanks to Harmonix and MTV, over the hill dreamers like myself can have the next best thing. Drop your air guitars and drums fellas and get yourself the Rock Band. It is so kick ass. I loves me some Rock Band, this game is a hoot. Don't give me the Guitar Hero argument, this is so much better. So much so in fact that Guitar Hero created their own version called World Tour. I have yet to play it, and I am sure it is a very nice platform, but either way, I must give thanks to them all for letting an old man live out his dream of rockin' out.

So there you have it, a non-comprehensive, yet adequate list of things that I am thankful for at this current point in time. Again, feel free to add to this as you see fit.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Clownin' Around

I wonder who made the decision that clowns were a good thing? You see them at the circus running around with all that makeup on and crazy floppy feet, and they are supposed to make you laugh. In fact it is quite the opposite. This spectacle is what nightmares are made of. They aren't funny. Not one little bit. They are freakin' scary. Clowns are evil everyone knows it, yet circus culture still tries to propagate the notion that they are somehow entertaining. They are not. Hollywood knows they are evil, just look at all of the movies that have evil clowns in them, there are a plethora, and the clown is always evil. Two little letters for you, I T. That was one crazy mutha effin' clown.
Did you know there are various types of clowns? Yeah, it's true. Do a Wiki search and you will see all of them. I couldn't even read the article because I was getting a bad case of the heebie jeebies again. Shiver!
There is even an actual word for being afraid of clowns, Coulrophobia. I must apologize, for I am struggling to get through this piece, and I have yet to post the visual aids to accentuate my point. I must forge on.

Perhaps Krusty the clown is an exception to the scary clown premise that will prod me to continue. The Simpsons try to make him out to be a beloved Harlequin whom the children love. But really, who ever heard of a clown that children love? Nope, I am sitting here looking at the bobble head Krusty I have on my desk and he too looks miscreant to me. I would put him away in my file cabinet, but I just know he will show up the next morning, back on my desk. Just staring back at me, communicating telepathically, "you think you can get rid of me sucka? I will kill you! I will murder you dead if you EVER, put me back in that metal box!"

Ronald McDonald? Please give me a break. That freak is, well, just that, a freak. Sure he tries to do right by the children with his Ronald McDonald house for families of sick children to stay in, while the kid is in treatment at the hospital. This however is only making amends for the fact that Ronald is still just a clown and clowns are sinister. McDonalds has to do something to counter balance the evil, you know yin-yang.

Bozo the Clown? Please that clown must have molested unsuspecting children all through the 50's and 60's before it was really discovered just how diabolical clowns really were.

Clarabell the Clown? Just look at this dude. A) his name is Clarabell...isn't that a chick name? B) tell me this picture of he/she isn't scary? This picture reminds me of another very intense individual whose driver's license has almost the same picture on it, minus the make up. You know who you are, and I better not see you show up to work in clown make up or you're fired!

If your opinion differs from mine on this subject matter, I don't want to hear it. Clowns are, have always been, and will always be, malevolent. "But Rich" you say, "they are just people under all of that white face paint." Look, I'm sure that the individuals that are putting on these horrific disguises are most likely wonderful people in their human form, but I believe once you don the makeup and costume, it's like that Jim Carrey movie The Mask. It takes over you and you in fact become an alter ego that is nefarious.
Nope, clowns have no place in our society, Eff you clown. Eff you.