I realize that I am getting older. Everyday I do or say something that is a cold, hard slap of reality in the face. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am old just yet. But when I can't move because my back is Eff'd up or I look at the resplendent waves of whiskers in my goatee, I can see father time taking his toll on me.
But today I became overly contemplative about my senectitude (SAT word of the day) due to a simple a thing as listening to the radio. You might go straight to the NPR card, but no, not so. This day I turned on the radio as I drove in to work and I hear a tasty gem from the 70's era by The Commodores. The funktastic, Brick House. The very first concert I ever went to was The Commodores, I am not ashamed, I loved it. This is still one of my top 5 concerts ever.
This, however is not the reason I am pondering my agedness.
So I am bustin' a funk groove in my car, (it's dark outside so no one can really see just how white and foolish I am, as I bounce and funk it up) and the damn, idiotic morning "disc jockeys" and I use this term loosely, begin talking over the song.
I have two pet peeves, ok I have more, but as they pertain to the radio I have two.
A) I absolutely HATE it when a radio station cuts the end of a song off. This drives me insane.
B) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER talk over the song.
Both of these things are just like nails on a chalk board to me. Ok deep breaths Rich.
I decided a few years ago, that I have grown to despise morning radio. I feel that they contribute absolutely nothing to society nor do I find them amusing at all. These morons this morning were making feeble attempts at humor (talking over the music) about this song and failing miserably. I just don't get it anymore. I used to, but I no longer have the patience for such idiocy. Hence my oldness. I feel like the old man on his porch, shaking his fist and yelling at the kids to "get off my lawn!"
Back in the day I lived to listen to Jon and Dan in the morning on 103.5. I thought those guys were the best and would go out of my way to listen religiously. Once they broke up and went away, I moved on to Jimmy Chunga and the various partners he had. I particularly enjoyed he and Mister West. Hell I even won an all expense paid trip to Greece from them, so I had reason to like them. The other program I enjoyed and in a pinch I still tune in, is the Radio from Hell on X96. However, by and large I have just grown weary of all the yammerin' and stupidity that is propagated by these people.
To make matters worse a lot of stations have afternoon drive time "disc jockeys" (still using the term loosely) and they do and say the same damn shit. Maybe it's just me, but what ever happened to listening to the radio to, oh I don't know, LISTEN TO THE MUSIC? (Doobie Brothers) I just hate them so much! Radio DJ's, not the Doobies.
"But Rich" you say, "why don't you just listen to your Ipod?" Good question my friend. Now don't freak out when I tell you this, but I don't own an Ipod. Ok that is a small lie. I own one but it is broken and it's a old piece of dung. (much like the steaming pile of feces that these alleged radio DJ's produce, wrap it in tin foil, attach fish hooks and call them ear rings.) The thing just gave up the ghost about a year ago. Being a poor social worker, I haven't the monetary wherewith all to replace it with the one I really want, the 80 gig video Ipod. I am like the only one that doesn't have one. That plus I would need to purchase a fancy shmancy transmitter thingy mabobby to make it work with the radio so I could listen in the car.
Sure I could listen to CD's and I often do. I know right? You kids thought CD was a dead technology. Gone the way of the LP and cassette tapes.
So pity me people, feel my pain. I don't have an Ipod and I hate morning radio. I don't know how I manage to make it into work every morning under such extremely torturous circumstances either.
If you really cared about me you would get me a black 80 gig Ipod, thats all I'm saying.
So I am watching an unplugged version of the Black Crowes on the Telee yesterday. I like me some Black Crowes, saw them in concert and quite enjoyed them. I enjoy listening to Chris Robinson orate on his music. He says some pretty funny and outrageous stuff that really makes you think.
But then I start thinking about when I went to the concert with some buddies of mine and the wife says to me...."if Kate Hudson is there, you can't run off with her." Don't get me wrong, I am waaaaay better lookin' than Chris Robinson, but I don't have a kick ass band, she would never go for me. But then she goes and dumps Chris for Owen Wilson.
Ok I get it, he's cute with the blond hair and all, but his nose is just atrocious. No worries it's his trademark I wouldn't expect him to change that, plus hell, he got Kate to leave Chris so there has to be something to this guy.
The point I am going for here is this. I am watching this concert and thinking, I like the Black Crowes, so what if it were the case that I was Kate Hudson and I split from Chris. Would I automatically have to stop liking the Black Crowes? How does that really work? Now granted, she cheated on Chris, so I don't necessarily think that she has to stop liking the Black Crowes music. I am working on the assumption that she actually did like them, after all she was married to Chris Robinson, I would hope she was into his music.
Of course he may think, "Eff that little whore, she don't get to listen to me pour my soul into my craft." Maybe Chris actually told her to her face, "Eff you, you little whore, don't you ever buy my album or come to my shows ever again." In that case I could see Kate having a bit of a dilemma on her hands.
Then I gotta wonder if Chris would stop going to her movies. What if he really likes Matthew McConaghey, (let's say that he scores his pot from Matt), does he never watch that movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 days ever again? (Not that it's a great movie to begin with, but for the sake of the discussion, Chris likes it.) Then what?
What about Heather Locklear? Does she have to hate on BonJovi because Richie Sambora went and banged Denise Richards? Who could stop listening to the Jovi? Not me! So how does Heather cope with that, I mean her Ipod would take a serious hit if she has to stop liking BonJovi. For Denise Richards she gets the bonus of still having an Ipod full of rockin' BonJovi, AND she is no longer obliged to endure having to watch Two and Half Men. I can't see how she loses in this vignette. But poor Heather she has to turn to little man David Spade for her needs. Could you imagine those two competing for mirror time? I almost think that his hair demands as much attention as Heather's does. Don't hate him because he's beautiful Heather, men's hair needs love too.
So I'm listening to the Pandora this morning and a song comes on that I kind of really dig. It was a cover song of Manic Monday. I know a little something about mania, being a social worker and dealing with mentally ill people that exhibit such a disorder, and quite frankly I don't ever feel manic on Monday, in fact quite the opposite. That aside, I think the original song was alright. I didn't mind it when the Bangles put it out there, it had a good beat and you could dance to it, I would give it a 6 out of 10.
The one thing that the Bangles had going for them was that Suzanna Hoffs was pretty hot. Actually the whole band wasn't too shabby to look at, especially to a teenager with ragin' hormones. Although I must admit that when she sang the Walk Like an Egyptian, that eye thing she did was a bit funky and made me believe that she might go all Fatal Attraction. Oh and that dance, what the crap was that? Yeah I didn't care for that at all, but the song was ok. But I digress.
The point is that I actually liked this cover of the song better than the original. I am usually the first one to stand up and put on my sense of moral judgement when it comes to the corruption of a perfectly good song. Like the Godsmack does a cover of the Led Zeppelin tune Good Times Bad Times. I hate it. I like to think that I am a purist when it comes to some of the classics, and the Mighty Mighty Zep is just not a band whose music you go and mess with. Oh and don't get me started on these damn "mash up" songs that the idiot DJ's are doing. They think they are so cool, taking two songs and re-mixing them together. I absolutely DETEST these moronic music monkeys who think they are oh so clever, creating such an atrocity and then forcing the public to be tortured by listening to this crap.
A lot of times someone does a cover song and people had never heard it before. I remember when that little bitch Tiffany did I Think We're Alone Now. I remember hearing people say what a great song that was, when in reality Tommy James and the Shondells had done it back in the 60's, long before that ungrateful little princess was even a twinkle in her father's eye. Foolish children thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread, when in reality she was just a little mall rat, duping young girls into thinking that they could live the American dream, touring around and singing to droves of screaming teenie boppers in the mall. And I know some of you dudes out there were running out to those glorified glee club performances, just on the hopes that she would take a look at your horrible 80's hair doo and drag you back stage to the ladies room that was converted to her dressing room and give you a NCMO.
I think there are plenty of really good cover songs that are actually better than the originals. I won't make a list because well, I don't want to. Feel free to add comments and make your own list and I will judge you, or maybe Boyd will, since believes that he is the end all be all of what is good in music. Viva La Rush!
My wife is buggin' me to go see this Body exhibit. Have you seen this thing? Apparently there are several of these things around the world and they are comprised of all these dead people that have donated themselves to science. Then in return for their good deeds, they have been re-paid by being turned inside out and put on display. They are basically mummified and posed in all these awkward positions. Maybe it's just me, but this just gives me the heebie jeebies. As an aside, what is a heebie jeebie and are they contagious?
I don't get it. These are dead human corpses people! Gross! To make matters worse I checked out the website and I'll be damned if they aren't selling merchandise. Oh I realize that merchandising is the sweetest nugget when it comes to this sort of thing, but seriously people. A key chain with one of these zombified homo sapiens?
I have to believe that these things are coming alive at night just like in that lame ass movie A Night at the Museum. You thought Ben Stiller had it bad with that cheeky little monkey stealing his keys all the time. Mix in some zombies looking to satisfy their need for brains and that little monkey will look like a chia pet in comparison. (Notice the inclusion of my previous two blogs?)
So this is one of those things that I believe I will have to give in to, because she said please like a thousand times. I have no desire to go see these freaky things, but I probably will because that's just the kind of guy that I am. Don't worry, I'll get mine by making her do something she absolutely doesn't want to do. Compromise is a lovely thing!
Has anyone ever actually purchased and grown a Chiapet? You can tell me, I won't judge. As Christmas nears it occurs to me that we will start seeing advertisements for this mythical creature, the Chia. I have always been curious about these things, not enough to actually make the purchase, but there is a certain level of intrigue that they hold for me.
A quick scan of Wiki tells me that they first crashed onto the scene in 1982 and are named Chia Pets after the plant Salvia hispanica, common name chia. Apparently this is edible, much like the alfalfa sprouts that one might consume on a lovely salad or samich. Perhaps you may think the same thing I did when I saw Salvia in the name. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Salvia, this is also a herb, only one that is used by kids these days as a hallucinogen. This however, was a dead end. I had postulated that one would only purchase such a novelty item on the supposition that the plant must posses some sort of recreational uses, but further Wiki-search has put the proverbial kibosh on that theory.
Anyone out there remember Sea Monkeys? Damn those were cool. Well, when I was like 6 they were cool. Then someone broke the news to me that they were just brine shrimp. Talk about a real downer. I would put that one right up there with the Tooth Fairy not being real. I loved those little aquatic monkeys swimming around in their little sea cage. I imagined them doing all sorts of funny, underwater, monkey shines. (see my earlier post for examples!) I tell you what, someone was thinkin'when they marketed brine shrimp as Sea Monkeys. They got my parents money!
I won't even go into the farce that is the pet rock. P.T. Barnum said it best,(although this is even disputed as to what he really said) "There's a sucker born every minute." God bless free enterprise.
Original or Extra Crispy? Who doesn't love some KFC? I like original recipe, so delicious. Damn that Colonel with his wee bitty eyes. Everyone knows that he puts a chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly. (Hardly original I know) What is it about those eleven herbs and spices that makes it so good? The colonel is truly evil for creating such a mistress. It really is finger lickin' good! I have been known, on many the occasion, to avoid the usage of a napkin in lieu of a good finger lickin'. That would just be a waste of perfectly good chicken juice. Mmmmm chicken juiiicceee.....aaaaghhhhh (drool)
I don't mind the Extra Crispy, in fact quite the opposite. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you still get all the eleven herbs and spices AND as a bonus you get the extra breading. How can you go wrong there? The left over crumbs are delectable little nuggets of joy, just sitting there for your snacking pleasure.
Don't forget the sides. I know it's just instant, fake potatoes, but I'll be damned if I don't just adore their mashed potatoes and gravy. Oh and the slaw....mmmmm. That slaw juice mixes in with the gravy and it is almost ambrosia. I'm not a huge biscuit fan, I prefer the cornbread. I think the biscuits are kind of dry and crumbly, although throw some gravy on those bad boys and now you're talkin' about a delicious combination. I have a real Pavlovian response going at the moment. I am salivating and my tummy is growling. I should know better than to go writing a blog during lunch time. Think I'm a gonna go get me a three piece.
Why do we as the human race find our primate cousins to be so funny? I don't know the answer, they just are. (Perhaps it has to do with more cowbell?) I loves me some monkey humor. I defy you to just look at these pictures without at least smiling, if not give a laugh out loud. Monkeys do funny things in addition to looking funny. Who doesn't enjoy seeing a monkey hurl it's feces at an unsuspecting visitor or drink it's own urine? Watch this video and tell me that you didn't chuckle? Go ahead I'll wait.....See? Funny! Look at this one, he is doing a Gene Simmons impersonation. I bet he gets all the monkey ladies with that tongue!
Even the monkey's think that monkey's are funny. Look at this one. You just know that he is laughing at the monkey antics of another and just cracking up.
After all we aren't all that far removed from them genetically, and evolutionally.....don't you think?
The full moon peeked it's head above the mountain top beginning it's monthly illumination of the valley, climbing slowly upward like some regal monarch ascending a throne, ruling over all that belong to the night. The lunar luminescence of this lesser heavenly body spreads upon it's subjects, the trees, casting eery shadows upon the ground. One's imagination could run wild on a night like this, spawning horrific images within, that if left un-checked, could induce anxiety and panic in an individual.
It had taken many years of therapy and psychotropic medications to bring Jim to a level of functioning that would allow him to adequately cope with the demons that haunted him each year. All Hallows Eve had always sent him into a place so dark and lonely that nothing could quiet his tortured soul. His annual ritual for this pagan celebration was much different than the other children he grew up with. Jim always spent this night locked in a psych hospital, heavily sedated. His parents had no explanations to give to the medical staff, only that it began when he was 4 years old and got worse each year, and only on Halloween.
As he reached adulthood, his fears gradually subsided but never fully vanished. No longer did he require the obligatory hospitalization that he knew throughout his childhood. Now that he had his own child, he didn't want him to suffer the same fate that he had suffered all those years. This was the year. He finally felt well enough to take his now 4 year old child out for trick or treat. As his wife readied their child for the foray into the neighborhood, he sat on the edge of their bed, practicing breathing techniques preparing for the battle he would face.
The moon, now standing fully visible in the sky, stared back at Jim as he waited on the porch for his wife and child to emerge from the house. A small group of children approached him adorned in their disguises; "trick or treat" they exclaimed. Jim reached in the front door producing a large bowl of assorted candies. The children rummaged through the bowl taking what they found to their liking. "Thank you" and off they went to the next house. Jim ventured off the porch pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of his domicile.
A mosquito began buzzing around his head. He swatted at this pest creating a whirl of wind around it but failing to deter it from it's desire to have it's evening meal at Jim's expense. Suddenly as if from out of nowhere, a bat had picked up on the signal of the mosi and swooped in for a take out meal at the expense of the parasite that hummed in front of Jim's face. The wing of the flying mammal slapped him in the face as it snapped up the mosquito and then quickly retreated, leaving Jim short one heartbeat and breathless. Determined to finally extricate himself from his life long incarceration, he managed to regain his composure. He glanced at his watch, noticing that it had only been 3 minutes since stepping out of the house, but feeling as if it had already been an eternity.
As his heart beat and breathing returned to normal, he stood on the sidewalk contemplating how best to proceed with the plan to finally overcome his curse. Another mosquito found it's way to Jim, this one landing on his arm. Becoming suddenly aware of the sting from the poking of a miniature hypodermic needle attached to the insect, he slapped it, leaving blood splattered on his forearm. Almost as if a scent had been released into the air much like the effect of a shark bite creating notification to other sharks in the area that soup's on, a nearby swarm of mosquitoes heard the cry of sustenance and made their way to the new found smorgasbord.
One by one thousands of mosquitoes had their way with Jim's exposed epidermis, poking and prodding at him like some 15 year old boy trying to cop his first feel. Un-sated from it's amuse bouche, the bat hears the squabble that has ensued, making it's way back to the melee between Jim and the mosquitoes. Not only the assailant from the previous drive by, but now his cronies have notified one another through sonar, that the feast is on.
Squeals of excitement exude through the night air like some animalistic dinner bell, creating a frenzy of activity around the man. Swooping in upon their prey, the hunter has now become the hunted. Mosquito feasting upon it's quarry, only to become the meal of a larger, faster predator.
A chunk of flesh gets ripped from his ear where a dozen mosquitoes had set up drilling, only to become the main course along with the flesh of man.
Horrified and paralyzed Jim cowers into a fetal position, unable to release the scream that has built up inside. He has been overcome by a collage of insects and mammals that have now piece by piece begun to shred his exposed arms and face. Terrestrial pirranah's devouring, gorging themselves upon a once in a life time menu. His eyes clench tightly, but to no avail as the bats make short work of this tender flesh, leaving his eye balls exposed forcing him to watch this horror, yet being unable to fight back.
Mustering every ounce of will that remains within, he manages to expel the remaining air in his lungs to create a scream that would make one's skin crawl if heard. Startled by this intense and horrific sound his wife wakes from her slumber, shaking Jim to arouse him from the nightmare that had him trapped. Jim sits up in his bed, soaking wet from the drops of sweat that have permeated through his pajamas, breathing heavily trying to gather his wits. "You must have been dreaming again honey" his wife consoles. A single mosquito buzzes it's way around the bedroom lighting upon his exposed arm. Feeling the sting of the miniature hypodermic needle piercing his skin, he quickly swats at it, leaving blood splattered upon his arm. "Get some rest honey, tonight is Halloween"
I have decided to compile a list. This is not typical for me as I rarely feel the need to categorize and rank things. Realizing of course that any list is really subjective, so just because this is my list, doesn't preclude one from adding or subtracting to it. Feel free to do so through the comment section if you wish. Therefore without further adieu, I give you my list of "Things That Blow Chunks" in no particular order.
1. Blowing Chunks: Sure this is obvious, but tell me, who really likes dropping a technicolor yawn? Ok maybe someone who is bulimic, but I am not certain there is a level of enjoyment to such a disorder. I hate hurling, and I think most, if not all of you, would agree.
2. Stubbing your toe: Nothing sucks worse than when you are just moseying along barefooted and all of the sudden you hear "BAM" followed almost instantaneously by excruciating pain in one of your pediacle appendages.(sure I made that up, but you must admit it sounds medical?) Add in the potential of a possible breaking of the bone and this really blows chunks.
3. The ice maker in my office: This thing really blows chunks and is the inspiration for this posting. I wanted some ice water to quench my parchedness as I work. This bloody thing trickles the ice cubes out one by one like a 70 year old man's urethra that is being strangled by an enlarged prostrate gland. I hate this thing more than I hate, well nothing. It just makes me want to go postal.
4. Being stuck in traffic when you have to pee: Have you ever had this happen? Maybe it's just me, I realize I have been cursed with an over-active bladder. Too many times I have been in a traffic jam and people are just creeping along and my back teeth are floating. It's always on a freeway and it's always in a situation that I don't have a Gatorade bottle handy. I have been lucky thus far and managed to avoid an internal explosion of my bladder, but I just know it is only a matter of time. THAT would really blow chunks.
5. The Dude at the Canyon Inn that wouldn't let me in the door because my drivers license had expired three weeks before: This sum bitch literally wouldn't let me in this bar for my friends party because my DL was expired for three weeks. Look at me, I have grey hairs littered throughout my luscious goatee, it seems quite easily deduced that I am over 21. But Nooooo, bastard made me run home to get my passport. Here's the kicker. I get back and there is a new Dude at the door. I show him the passport and tell him the story, and Dude says, "oh well, I would have just let you in the door." Gee thanks bro, that makes me feel oh so much better. That whole place pretty much blows chunks as far as I am concerned.
6. The Economy: Enough said.
7. Taking a swig off a milk carton then realizing it has expired: Ever do this? Sure I probably deserved it since I shouldn't have been swiggin' right out the carton. I pretty much don't have this happen anymore, since I always check the expiration date now, but it really does blow chunks. In fact it usually leads to literally blowing chunks.
8. "We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you..." : Oh, just the very thought of this message coming across the airwaves really chaps my hide. As the French say "Je detest". I love my programs, don't screw with them please, this really blows chunks. Oh and losing the satellite signal goes right along with this. Dammit mother nature, I'm trying to do my part to help, and this is how you repay me? Don't do that, it really blows chunks.
9. Accidentally swallowing a bug: I hate when that happens. They usually get stuck in your throat and that is what really blows chunks about this. I think what happens is that the sudden shock of this critter flying into your mouth creates an involuntary response from your throat and it clamps down on the thing. "Ack" ,"cough", "ahem", nothing works. You just have to resign yourself to finishing the job by obtaining a liquid to wash it down with. Mear spit won't work because I think in the horror of the moment, the salivary glands shut down creating a failure to produce a substantial enough amount to do the job. Just be careful to check the expiration date on the milk if this is your poison because well, we have already established what happens when you don't.
10. The Shart: If I need to explain why this blows chunks then well, feel free to contact me and ask. It brings with it a plethora of rationales as to why it blows that quite frankly no one wants to have explained to them in an open forum such as this.
Do you ever see something and just think to yourself, "what the hell was God thinking when he created that?" I've had this thought process a number of times in my life.
We have all heard the story of Adam and Eve and their expulsion from the garden of Eden due to their negligence of one simple rule...don't eat the apple. Then just for shits and giggles he tests them with a talking snake and long story short they break the rule. Talk about setting them up to fail, I mean come on, a talking snake? That would be hard to resist for any of us. That's a pretty good parlor trick I'm thinkin', so how can you blame them?
So anyway, God gets pissed, kicks them out, and things get pretty harsh. They deserved it, they broke the rules, and now women get the pain, I mean, joy of experiencing child birth. You ladies can thank mother Eve for that one. But I am not here to place blame for who broke the rules first. We all know women have all the control over men anyway. I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, life gets harsh. Weeds and the likes, menial labor, etc. Like I said, they did the crime they should do the time.
So God created everything right? Man, women, plants and animals. All manner of things were created and they were created for the use of man. But this gets me thinking, of what use do I have for things like mosquitoes or just bugs in general. They aren't named bugs because they are the most awesome things that God whipped out in those six days. They are called bugs because they "BUG" people. It all comes back to that whole punishment thing for the oppositional defiance disorder that Eve had.
So I start to think one of two things. 1) God was really pissed and didn't want to stop with something as simple as making them have to pull weeds in their garden. 2) God has a pretty damn good sense of humor and perhaps he is even a little sadistic. I am inclined to think that the latter is probably the most likely postulation, after all have you seen the faces that people pull when they are having sex? (My apologies to Kevin Smith for the plagiarism)
"But Rich" you say, "that covers the humor part, but what of the sadistic piece to the puzzle?" Patience my children I am getting there.
Think of all the many, many things on this Earth that are just plain wrong and cause us pain and suffering. I won't make a list for you because I am certain that once I give you this one example, you need not look any further for confirmation.
Look at this creature and then tell me that God isn't sadistic in the least bit. Go ahead gaze upon the horror and help me understand why God felt the need to create such an abomination? You have to wonder what this poor fellow did to deserve such a lot in life? Proof positive that God finds humor in the suffering of others. Your welcome.