Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Snow, Snow Go Away

In case anyone cares, I am done with the snow. It can just go away now. Unlike Ice Cube, today is NOT a good day, if I had an AK I would probably be forced to use it. (for you older folk that is in reference to a rap song. An AK is a Russian assault rifle and I could have used one this morning.)
Sure no two snow flakes are exactly alike, but to me they all look the same, they look cold and slippery and I am done. DONE I tell ya!

I am already tired of lame ass people feeling the need to go 20 MPH on the freeway because they are afraid. I get it, your ascared, no worries, but for God's sake get the crap outta my way. And don't take up two lanes, believe me when I say I would shoot you if I had my AK.

AK is also the abbreviation for Alaska, which I blame for this stoopit weather. Not only that, but that Sarah Palin chick (although I gotta admit that it did provide me with lots o' laughs at her expense thanks to Tina Fey!) I am certain they did something else to piss me off, but mainly Alaska is just cold and snowy and they say that this cold weather is coming down from up there, so thanks for that.
So yeah I am done, stick a fork in me.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Novel Concept

Well it's official. I have joined the ranks of those who are "working on a novel." I am very excited to be one of those people who can now say, "yeah, I have written a couple of screen plays and now I am working on my novel."
The funny thing about it is, I have no clue what I am doing. Sure I have a concept, and a vague outline about how the story will go. I haven't ever really considered writing a novel, but what the hell. I figure what do I have to lose? That chick that wrote those damn vampire books can do it, why not me.

I'm sure it will sit in my computer along with my screen plays and the only use it will have is to give me an interesting comment to insert into a conversation occasionally. But hey, I am working on a novel, and you can't take that away from me. So if you are very nice and beg me a lot, I may let you take a peek at it some time. And you, being the nice people you are will say, oh that's really good, and in reality it will probably be drivel.
But at least I can say..."yeah I am working on a novel." Can you? And if you are also working on a novel, we can compare notes, and if you know a good publisher let me know!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Toys of Christmas Past

Well another year has come and gone and Christmas is looming large on the horizon. In anticipation of this, I got to thinking about all of the Christmas mornings that I have had over the years, particularly of the ones when I was a young child, and came up with a list of gifts that I recall receiving. I have decided to do a list of comparisons between similar gifts in honor of all the super cool stuff I loved and enjoyed as a child.

Tinker Toys Vs. Erector Set:
Growing up with a father that was a mechanic and watching him work on cars and fixing things in general, I developed a curiosity for well, tinkering with or erecting things. I recall several Christmas' over the years in which I received one or t'other of these collections of parts that one could pour out all over the table or floor, and build some of the most wonderfully awesome contraptions.
My preference was the Erector set. (Is it just me or does the name Erector set just sound dirty?) He he he he, yes I know I am acting like a little kid, but how can I not, it's Christmas! So yeah, the Erector set (he he he) was awesome. I liked it better than Tinker Toys because it was made of metal parts. These things had all sorts of nuts and bolts and pulleys and wheels that you could slap together and create the best sorts of machines. I loved making a catapult and then putting hot wheels in it and launching them at my siblings. Oh the fun it was erecting things!
Tinker Toys were alright. They were made of wood which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not as cool as metal. You had a bunch of round pieces of wood that had a bunch of holes drilled into them and then several lengths of wooden dowels that you could push into the holes to create some pretty cool stuff. It came with some directions for things you could make and of course if you were really creative you could concoct your own machines that were pretty cool. But by in large the Tinker Toys just weren't as fun as the Erector set in my opinion.

Lincoln Logs Vs. Lego:
An off shoot of the Tinker Toy vs. Erector Set debate is the Lincoln Log vs. Lego discussion. Again like the Tinker Toys you had a wooden product vs. a much more sleek and sturdy product in the Lego's that were hard plastic. Again you could build some pretty cool shit with both gifts, although with the Lincoln Logs you were pretty much limited to building Log cabins. Don't get me wrong, I love me some log cabins. Hell if it was good enough for Honest Abe, it was certainly good enough for the likes of me. I could build some pretty cool cabins with my Lincoln Logs. Both products were good for hucking at your siblings when they would come along and break your creations, though the Logs held a lot more appeal for the hurling process because they were bigger so they carried more velocity than the comparatively smaller and lighter Lego blocks.
I think the versatility of the Lego's were in my mind the better toy to have. There were just so many more interesting things you could do with the Lego's, you weren't just limited to building housing for small plastic Army dudes.

Verti-bird Vs. Plane on a String:
Oh how I long for my Verti-bird helicopter. The Verti-bird helicopter set was a masterpiece that was by far my favorite toy ever! I am sure many of my readers may not have ever heard of, or seen a Verti-bird, but to this day I still wish I had one. In fact anyone who gets me one for Christmas this year will earn my undying gratitude. This was the most awesome toy ever created on God's green earth. It was a little plastic helicopter that was attached to a metal arm that had two levers on a control box that made the helicopter go up/down and forward/backward. Sure it only went around and around in a circle, but I'll be damned if that wasn't just hours of joy. It also had a hook on the bottom of the copter that you could use to hover and pick up things. The challenge was to pick up an item and then carry it to another spot on the Verti-bird landscape, which was basically a painted piece of cardboard with a heli-pad for the landing area. I would spend hours playing with this thing until I wore the batteries out.
The plane on a string was well, in my opinion not quite as cool. Sure it was as dangerous as the Verti-bird in that it had a plastic propeller that would really hurt if it hit your fingers, and sure like the Verti-bird it was an aircraft that went round and round in a circle. But the fact of the matter is, your arm got tired of having to spin this thing around your head over and over again. I have to admit that it was fun to chase your younger brothers and friends around threatening to run it into them. But then your parents would just take it away from you, and you were left to beg your sister for a tasty light bulb warmed cake treat from her Easy Bake Oven. Then, when she wouldn't share, you couldn't threaten her with the plane because your mom took it away and so you would threaten to eat the cake batter before she could cook it, then she tells mom and you are relegated to sitting in your room with all your broke ass toys from the Christmas before.

Slot Car Track Vs. Train Set:
I never really got either one of these toys, but I always wanted them. Every year I would pull out the Sears and Roebuck catalogue and I would look at all of the magnificent slot car tracks, dreaming of all the spectacular races that I would have. I always wanted the biggest race track that they had, but would tell my parents that I would settle for a smaller, less expensive one. There were some really cool race tracks and I never got any of them. I had friends that got them, and of course I got to play with theirs, that was cool. In fact it was actually not a horrible thing that I didn't have one because I got the pleasure of playing with my friends and didn't have all of the headache of actually setting up the track. I am betting that is why my parents never got me one, I discovered this when I bought my own kids a slot car set. Every time they wanted to play, I had to set it up and it is a real pain in the ass.
Like the slot car set, the train set was something that I would always look at in the catalogue and dream about the biggest one with all of the tunnels and bridges and having like 20 different train cars. A train set didn't hold the appeal of the slot car track because of it's lack of speed, but dang a train set would have been cool to have. Again, thankfully I had friends that had trains, and we would have a good ol' time putting hot wheels on the tracks or stealing a sister's barbie doll to put down and then let the train run into them, all the while the sister is screaming and telling on you. It either resulted in de-railing the train or just pushing the toy out of the way, then continuing on clacking down the tracks as if nothing had happened. Of course the mom would come and un-plug the train and tell you to go outside and quit bugging the sister.
Like the slot car track I bought a train set for one of my own children and had fun with it myself, however again I realized that my parents probably didn't get me one because of the labor intensiveness carried with the "some assembly required" slogan. As a parent I have learned that toys for kids should be as little work as possible for the parent. After all, isn't that the idea behind getting toys, to keep the kid busy, not the parent?

Hot Wheels Vs. Matchbox:
Two different versions of the same thing. For my money Hot Wheels were the only game in town though. I mean how could you not love the Hot Wheels better. They had the better looking wheels. Plus they had all these cool concept cars that were so awesome. Who didn't love the Red Baron car with it's Nazi helmet as the cab of the vehicle and the kick ass engine that it sported? Hot Wheels also had so many killer tracks that you could buy and race cars on. Damn I loved those orange slats of plastic that were held together with smaller tongue like pieces of plastic. Not to mention those tracks were good for sword fighting or smacking your siblings with when your mom sent you to your room after taking away your Plane on a string toy!
Matchbox just had miniature versions of the real cars like the Pontiac Station Wagon or the Ford Panel Van. In my mind the Matchbox cars were the generic brand of toy vehicles and certainly looked the part. I don't even recall whether Matchbox made a race track for their vehicles or not, but you certainly could run them down the Hot Wheels track just fine.
Overall I think Hot Wheels just had the better accessories not to mention the better looking cars.

Lastly, though I won't compare it to anything, because in all actuality there is really no comparison. Right next to the Verti bird, my next favorite Christmas toy was the Big Wheel. Man did I love that thing. Who was the bad boy cruisin' round the streets of San Jose on his spankin' new bad ass Big Wheel? Me that's who. It was so awesome to get peddling as fast as you possibly could and then just hit the proverbial brakes by instantly stopping the pedal motion and holding the big front wheel from spinning, resulting in a skid for the ages. When they came out with the hand break on the rear wheels it was even more fun to get up to top speed and slide out sideways. Eventually you would ware a flat spot in the Big Wheel from all of the skidding and you would have to ride around with a "flat" tire that couldn't be repaired.
Taking it off of jumps was pretty sweet too, although I don't think I ever really caught as much air as I believed I had. I once tried to get my little sister to lie down under the jump so that I could try to see if I could clear her like some sort of pre-pubescent Evel Knievel. She would never stay still long enough for me to try, and it's probably just as well looking back on it.

So there you have it. As with most of my lists it is not comprehensive and is certainly open for debate or elaboration on the part of the reader.
Of course in reading this, one might wonder how I ever managed to get anything out of Santa at all. It would seem that I should have been on the naughty list every year for using my toys as torturous weapons against my siblings. Come to think of it, had I been given lumps of coal as the legend goes, I may have had a small fortune built up and not been a broke ass adult begging people to buy him video Ipods or classic Verti-bird helicopters! Damn it Santa, you ripped me off!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I like to think that I am somewhat of a cultured individual. I have been to the opera, ballet, theatre, (I even spelled theater the English way. That should prove that I have culture). I enjoy, and can talk competently about fine wines. I can tell the difference between Van Gogh and Picasso, I have eaten escargot at French restaurants, and been to the symphony. I can mingle with society types with the best of them I believe, and all of this, despite my parents up-rooting me from Northern California at an early age, and ploppin' me right smack dab in the middle of probably the least cultured part of the planet, Heber City, Utah.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to immerse myself in these particular things, but I have certainly found enjoyment in them at times, and feel like I am a better person for having had the experiences. No, I would much rather spend an afternoon watching Utah kick BYU up and down the football field than go to the opera. I enjoy low brow, even crass humor, much more than the hilarity of the Magic Flute. However there are still some things of a cultural nature, that I would like to do before I depart from this earthly realm.

I need to visit the Louvre, enjoy Michelangelo's masterpiece on the Sistine Chapel in Rome, in fact I should probably just visit Europe in general. But there is one thing that I need to try that is associated with culture, at least as far as I can deduce, that I have never seen nor used,to date. I know of their existence, and am intrigued. I am speaking of the bidet.

I saw one once on the Crocodile Dundee. "It's for washin' your backside" he says. This movie single handedly sparked a fire deep within my soul to live the high society lifestyle so that I could have access to such a gift from God as a bidet.

I have to admit that it seems like it would be a useful instrument to have lying around your bathroom, but alas I have never had the opportunity. Many is the time that I have wished I had one. Think of the ramifications it could have on the environment by reducing or eliminating toilet paper. Perhaps this is the "go green" business opportunity that I have been looking for. I need to get right on this, and if any of you think of stealing my idea, remember, I have said it before, I am quite litigious!

Through my train of thought, I got to wondering about the logistics of using a bidet. For example, I know that I don't particularly enjoy it when I get a back splash from a plopper. Who does? So then I get to thinking that shooting a stream of cold water up your bum might not be so pleasant despite the obvious up side to being able to have a nice clean crevasse. Let's say you go ahead and utilize one, then what? Is there a wash cloth handy for the dirty work? Is there a bar of soap? Do you have a towel rack next to the bidet for wash cloths and towels? And what of the wet towel and wash cloths if this is the case? Is there laundry basket in proximity for damp bum towels or do you just drop them on the floor and let "the help" take care of that? I imagine that you don't want to be drying your face off with a bum towel and I certainly don't want to be the one rounding up the wet bum towels for the laundry. I suppose it would definitely necessitate having "people" to do that for you.

I would think that you must dis-robe to use a bidet, at least your pantaloons. I can't imagine that you could effectively just drop your drawers and have much success without incidental water coming in contact with your pants, thus creating a whole other issue of walking around with wet trousers subsequent to partaking of the cleansing power of the bidet.

Yep, I have lots of questions about the bidet. It seems like a pain in the ass, well not literally, but it sure seems like the benefits would outweigh the trouble, and is something that I would like to experience some day.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thank You

The Northern Hemisphere is firmly entrenched in Autumn. The mountains have begun to don their snow caps, the leaves have turned colors and begun to fall from the outstretched branches on which they had been perched for the previous months. The eleventh month has arrived and it has been designated a time of reflection on the last year. We are given the opportunity to express our gratitude for those things that have enhanced and made our lives worthwhile. A season of graciousness and giving is now upon us and in honor of this, I think I will compile a list of things that I am thankful for, again, in no particular order. Now I don't want y'all taking exception that I am not listing the traditional things such as family, friends, job, etc. Those things are a constant just as the sun will always rise in the East. I want to give thanks for those things that may not get props on a regular basis or that only happen on occasion.

1. Caffeine: What can I say about caffeine that most people don't already know. It is the life's blood of all that is good and decent. I am consistently thankful for the substance that daily, jolts me into production. Whatever form you prefer to have it delivered into your blood stream is good. I like the coffee, followed closely by the Diet Mt. Dew. I would probably take it intravenously, however I am a needle phobe and well, we all know that isn't a realistic delivery system albeit extremely effective I am certain.

2. High Definition Television: What did I ever do before I obtained my 50 inch plasma screen high definition television? One of God's greatest gifts to man is the gift of life, but what kind of life would it be without the crispy clear picture of a high definition telee? I honestly can't watch a program in regular definition any more. I hate it, it's like I am blind. I thank God for my Television and the accompanying programming. It is truly one of my favorite things.

3. The 49ers finally fired Mike Nolan: It's no big secret that I am a humongo 49er faithful. Ever since my child hood growing up in Northern California I was a die hard fan. I suffered through a lot of bad years to get to the glory days of the 80's and early 90's of being a Niner's fan. In recent times this once proud franchise has plummeted in to relative, well, irrelevance. The coach for the last 4 years had been Mike Nolan whose father was once the coach. He came with high hopes along with history and expectations. But the team consistently stunk it up under the Nolan regime. I couldn't stand listening to this man speak. He made no sense to me when he talked. He drove the team into the ground and I have been saying for awhile now that he needed to go. Actually the ownership needs to go as well, but I have high hopes for Jed York who is taking a more hands on approach to the team. Back when Eddie Debartalo owned the team he had the ship going in the right direction until his indiscretions and he had to leave my beloved Niners to his sister and her lame ass husband. Eddie says that Jed has the right stuff and I sure hope he is right. Meanwhile I am thankful I don't have to listen to that blathering idiot Mike Nolan. Now I get to hear about Samurai Mike Singletary dropping his pantaloons in the locker room at half time to demonstrate the ass whoopin' that they were taking at the hands of an equally bad Seattle team. Thank you 8lb 6oz baby Jesus for getting rid of a lame duck coach and bringing us one of the greatest linebackers to play the game.

4. The Utes are 10 and 0: We have two more games to go, to repeat the accomplishments of the 2004 Ute team that won the Fiesta Bowl. I am mostly thankful that BYU lost to TCU, opening the door for Utah to jump ahead in the BCS standings and have a chance to repeat their historical year in 2004. If they don't stumble this week at San Diego it sets up a huge game at Rice-Eccles Stadium on November 22nd. The last few years BYU has been able to eek out a last minute win against the U, but this year will be different. Go Utes!

5. Rib Eye Steaks: Seasoned to perfection and grilled to medium rare. I love to grill and who can resist a beautifully marbled piece of rib eye steak? It has to be one of the most delicious of God's wondrous blessings to mankind. I know some may say the Fillet, but as for me and my house I will serve the Rib Eye.

6. Bush only has 68 days left as President: Is there anyone left out there that thinks Bush has done right by our great nation? I know there has to be, after all his approval rating is in the teens! Forgive me for bringing politics into my blog, but I am indeed grateful that America has grown weary of business as usual. I don't know that Obama will be the great white, I mean black, hope that people believe him to be, but I certainly don't think he can do worse. I will however, miss playing the "do a shot of tequila" every time Bush says "nucular" game, during his speeches! My liver however will be thankful that he is leaving.

7. Breakfast Cereal: Anyone who has kids can appreciate and give thanks for the idea that you don't have to wake up every morning and make breakfast like in the olden days. Drop a box of Count Chocula on the table in the morning, along with a bowl and a spoon, and voila! Happy kids, happy parents.

8. The Dick in a Box video: If you haven't seen this masterpiece then you have been sorely deprived of one of the truly magnificent creations to ever grace the airwaves. Saturday Night Live has given us many, many great memories over the years, but in my opinion none as wonderful as this video. For those of you who are offended by the title of the song, well perhaps you should not partake, but I highly recommend that you watch it here

9. The Dollar Menu at McDonalds: You gotta love it, oh wait that is Hot Rod Hundly. I'm lovin' it is Mickey Dees. Being a poor social worker as I am, one must continuously be on the look out for ways to conserve coinage. Also being a fat man I have to get the most bang for my buck. One must agree that the golden arches has a way of hitting the spot, and for just a measly buckarooni you can get a satisfyingly delicious samich. Many is the time that I have made the trek to acquire me some good ol' dollar menu selections and come away satisfied that I got filled and didn't have to spend a lot of money. Now granted, my blood delivery system may not be quite as thankful for these greasy delights, but I sure am.

10. Rock Band: Now I don't know about you, but me, I will never get to fulfill my dream of becoming an actual rock star. But now, thanks to Harmonix and MTV, over the hill dreamers like myself can have the next best thing. Drop your air guitars and drums fellas and get yourself the Rock Band. It is so kick ass. I loves me some Rock Band, this game is a hoot. Don't give me the Guitar Hero argument, this is so much better. So much so in fact that Guitar Hero created their own version called World Tour. I have yet to play it, and I am sure it is a very nice platform, but either way, I must give thanks to them all for letting an old man live out his dream of rockin' out.

So there you have it, a non-comprehensive, yet adequate list of things that I am thankful for at this current point in time. Again, feel free to add to this as you see fit.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Clownin' Around

I wonder who made the decision that clowns were a good thing? You see them at the circus running around with all that makeup on and crazy floppy feet, and they are supposed to make you laugh. In fact it is quite the opposite. This spectacle is what nightmares are made of. They aren't funny. Not one little bit. They are freakin' scary. Clowns are evil everyone knows it, yet circus culture still tries to propagate the notion that they are somehow entertaining. They are not. Hollywood knows they are evil, just look at all of the movies that have evil clowns in them, there are a plethora, and the clown is always evil. Two little letters for you, I T. That was one crazy mutha effin' clown.
Did you know there are various types of clowns? Yeah, it's true. Do a Wiki search and you will see all of them. I couldn't even read the article because I was getting a bad case of the heebie jeebies again. Shiver!
There is even an actual word for being afraid of clowns, Coulrophobia. I must apologize, for I am struggling to get through this piece, and I have yet to post the visual aids to accentuate my point. I must forge on.

Perhaps Krusty the clown is an exception to the scary clown premise that will prod me to continue. The Simpsons try to make him out to be a beloved Harlequin whom the children love. But really, who ever heard of a clown that children love? Nope, I am sitting here looking at the bobble head Krusty I have on my desk and he too looks miscreant to me. I would put him away in my file cabinet, but I just know he will show up the next morning, back on my desk. Just staring back at me, communicating telepathically, "you think you can get rid of me sucka? I will kill you! I will murder you dead if you EVER, put me back in that metal box!"

Ronald McDonald? Please give me a break. That freak is, well, just that, a freak. Sure he tries to do right by the children with his Ronald McDonald house for families of sick children to stay in, while the kid is in treatment at the hospital. This however is only making amends for the fact that Ronald is still just a clown and clowns are sinister. McDonalds has to do something to counter balance the evil, you know yin-yang.

Bozo the Clown? Please that clown must have molested unsuspecting children all through the 50's and 60's before it was really discovered just how diabolical clowns really were.

Clarabell the Clown? Just look at this dude. A) his name is Clarabell...isn't that a chick name? B) tell me this picture of he/she isn't scary? This picture reminds me of another very intense individual whose driver's license has almost the same picture on it, minus the make up. You know who you are, and I better not see you show up to work in clown make up or you're fired!

If your opinion differs from mine on this subject matter, I don't want to hear it. Clowns are, have always been, and will always be, malevolent. "But Rich" you say, "they are just people under all of that white face paint." Look, I'm sure that the individuals that are putting on these horrific disguises are most likely wonderful people in their human form, but I believe once you don the makeup and costume, it's like that Jim Carrey movie The Mask. It takes over you and you in fact become an alter ego that is nefarious.
Nope, clowns have no place in our society, Eff you clown. Eff you.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Haiku Ka Choo

I have decided to honor you all with a series of Haiku's for your reading enjoyment.


Cat independent
You think you own, but you don't
Hair balls; eff you cat


Much better than cat
Sure they lick balls then lick you
Happy to see you


Mornings are the worst
Coffee life's blood; must have you
Stupid Governor

Breath under water
Visibility endless
I need more SCUBA

Cartoon family
Dysfunctional family
O.J. killed his wife

Melodic rhythm
Good beat and can dance to it
I give it a ten


Cold snow blankets all
Looks pretty, no fun to drive
Go away Winter

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Demise of Radio

I realize that I am getting older. Everyday I do or say something that is a cold, hard slap of reality in the face. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am old just yet. But when I can't move because my back is Eff'd up or I look at the resplendent waves of whiskers in my goatee, I can see father time taking his toll on me.

But today I became overly contemplative about my senectitude (SAT word of the day) due to a simple a thing as listening to the radio. You might go straight to the NPR card, but no, not so. This day I turned on the radio as I drove in to work and I hear a tasty gem from the 70's era by The Commodores. The funktastic, Brick House. The very first concert I ever went to was The Commodores, I am not ashamed, I loved it. This is still one of my top 5 concerts ever.

This, however is not the reason I am pondering my agedness.
So I am bustin' a funk groove in my car, (it's dark outside so no one can really see just how white and foolish I am, as I bounce and funk it up) and the damn, idiotic morning "disc jockeys" and I use this term loosely, begin talking over the song.

I have two pet peeves, ok I have more, but as they pertain to the radio I have two.
A) I absolutely HATE it when a radio station cuts the end of a song off. This drives me insane.

B) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER talk over the song.
Both of these things are just like nails on a chalk board to me. Ok deep breaths Rich.
I decided a few years ago, that I have grown to despise morning radio. I feel that they contribute absolutely nothing to society nor do I find them amusing at all. These morons this morning were making feeble attempts at humor (talking over the music) about this song and failing miserably. I just don't get it anymore. I used to, but I no longer have the patience for such idiocy. Hence my oldness. I feel like the old man on his porch, shaking his fist and yelling at the kids to "get off my lawn!"

Back in the day I lived to listen to Jon and Dan in the morning on 103.5. I thought those guys were the best and would go out of my way to listen religiously. Once they broke up and went away, I moved on to Jimmy Chunga and the various partners he had. I particularly enjoyed he and Mister West. Hell I even won an all expense paid trip to Greece from them, so I had reason to like them. The other program I enjoyed and in a pinch I still tune in, is the Radio from Hell on X96. However, by and large I have just grown weary of all the yammerin' and stupidity that is propagated by these people.
To make matters worse a lot of stations have afternoon drive time "disc jockeys" (still using the term loosely) and they do and say the same damn shit. Maybe it's just me, but what ever happened to listening to the radio to, oh I don't know, LISTEN TO THE MUSIC? (Doobie Brothers) I just hate them so much! Radio DJ's, not the Doobies.

"But Rich" you say, "why don't you just listen to your Ipod?" Good question my friend. Now don't freak out when I tell you this, but I don't own an Ipod. Ok that is a small lie. I own one but it is broken and it's a old piece of dung. (much like the steaming pile of feces that these alleged radio DJ's produce, wrap it in tin foil, attach fish hooks and call them ear rings.) The thing just gave up the ghost about a year ago. Being a poor social worker, I haven't the monetary wherewith all to replace it with the one I really want, the 80 gig video Ipod. I am like the only one that doesn't have one. That plus I would need to purchase a fancy shmancy transmitter thingy mabobby to make it work with the radio so I could listen in the car.
Sure I could listen to CD's and I often do. I know right? You kids thought CD was a dead technology. Gone the way of the LP and cassette tapes.

So pity me people, feel my pain. I don't have an Ipod and I hate morning radio. I don't know how I manage to make it into work every morning under such extremely torturous circumstances either.
If you really cared about me you would get me a black 80 gig Ipod, thats all I'm saying.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


So I am watching an unplugged version of the Black Crowes on the Telee yesterday. I like me some Black Crowes, saw them in concert and quite enjoyed them. I enjoy listening to Chris Robinson orate on his music. He says some pretty funny and outrageous stuff that really makes you think.

But then I start thinking about when I went to the concert with some buddies of mine and the wife says to me...."if Kate Hudson is there, you can't run off with her." Don't get me wrong, I am waaaaay better lookin' than Chris Robinson, but I don't have a kick ass band, she would never go for me. But then she goes and dumps Chris for Owen Wilson.

Ok I get it, he's cute with the blond hair and all, but his nose is just atrocious. No worries it's his trademark I wouldn't expect him to change that, plus hell, he got Kate to leave Chris so there has to be something to this guy.

The point I am going for here is this. I am watching this concert and thinking, I like the Black Crowes, so what if it were the case that I was Kate Hudson and I split from Chris. Would I automatically have to stop liking the Black Crowes? How does that really work? Now granted, she cheated on Chris, so I don't necessarily think that she has to stop liking the Black Crowes music. I am working on the assumption that she actually did like them, after all she was married to Chris Robinson, I would hope she was into his music.

Of course he may think, "Eff that little whore, she don't get to listen to me pour my soul into my craft." Maybe Chris actually told her to her face, "Eff you, you little whore, don't you ever buy my album or come to my shows ever again." In that case I could see Kate having a bit of a dilemma on her hands.

Then I gotta wonder if Chris would stop going to her movies. What if he really likes Matthew McConaghey, (let's say that he scores his pot from Matt), does he never watch that movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 days ever again? (Not that it's a great movie to begin with, but for the sake of the discussion, Chris likes it.) Then what?

What about Heather Locklear? Does she have to hate on Bon Jovi because Richie Sambora went and banged Denise Richards? Who could stop listening to the Jovi? Not me! So how does Heather cope with that, I mean her Ipod would take a serious hit if she has to stop liking Bon Jovi. For Denise Richards she gets the bonus of still having an Ipod full of rockin' Bon Jovi, AND she is no longer obliged to endure having to watch Two and Half Men. I can't see how she loses in this vignette. But poor Heather she has to turn to little man David Spade for her needs. Could you imagine those two competing for mirror time? I almost think that his hair demands as much attention as Heather's does. Don't hate him because he's beautiful Heather, men's hair needs love too.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Cover This

So I'm listening to the Pandora this morning and a song comes on that I kind of really dig. It was a cover song of Manic Monday. I know a little something about mania, being a social worker and dealing with mentally ill people that exhibit such a disorder, and quite frankly I don't ever feel manic on Monday, in fact quite the opposite. That aside, I think the original song was alright. I didn't mind it when the Bangles put it out there, it had a good beat and you could dance to it, I would give it a 6 out of 10.

The one thing that the Bangles had going for them was that Suzanna Hoffs was pretty hot. Actually the whole band wasn't too shabby to look at, especially to a teenager with ragin' hormones. Although I must admit that when she sang the Walk Like an Egyptian, that eye thing she did was a bit funky and made me believe that she might go all Fatal Attraction. Oh and that dance, what the crap was that? Yeah I didn't care for that at all, but the song was ok. But I digress.

The point is that I actually liked this cover of the song better than the original. I am usually the first one to stand up and put on my sense of moral judgement when it comes to the corruption of a perfectly good song. Like the Godsmack does a cover of the Led Zeppelin tune Good Times Bad Times. I hate it. I like to think that I am a purist when it comes to some of the classics, and the Mighty Mighty Zep is just not a band whose music you go and mess with. Oh and don't get me started on these damn "mash up" songs that the idiot DJ's are doing. They think they are so cool, taking two songs and re-mixing them together. I absolutely DETEST these moronic music monkeys who think they are oh so clever, creating such an atrocity and then forcing the public to be tortured by listening to this crap.

A lot of times someone does a cover song and people had never heard it before. I remember when that little bitch Tiffany did I Think We're Alone Now. I remember hearing people say what a great song that was, when in reality Tommy James and the Shondells had done it back in the 60's, long before that ungrateful little princess was even a twinkle in her father's eye. Foolish children thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread, when in reality she was just a little mall rat, duping young girls into thinking that they could live the American dream, touring around and singing to droves of screaming teenie boppers in the mall. And I know some of you dudes out there were running out to those glorified glee club performances, just on the hopes that she would take a look at your horrible 80's hair doo and drag you back stage to the ladies room that was converted to her dressing room and give you a NCMO.

I think there are plenty of really good cover songs that are actually better than the originals. I won't make a list because well, I don't want to. Feel free to add comments and make your own list and I will judge you, or maybe Boyd will, since believes that he is the end all be all of what is good in music. Viva La Rush!