Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I like to think that I am somewhat of a cultured individual. I have been to the opera, ballet, theatre, (I even spelled theater the English way. That should prove that I have culture). I enjoy, and can talk competently about fine wines. I can tell the difference between Van Gogh and Picasso, I have eaten escargot at French restaurants, and been to the symphony. I can mingle with society types with the best of them I believe, and all of this, despite my parents up-rooting me from Northern California at an early age, and ploppin' me right smack dab in the middle of probably the least cultured part of the planet, Heber City, Utah.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to immerse myself in these particular things, but I have certainly found enjoyment in them at times, and feel like I am a better person for having had the experiences. No, I would much rather spend an afternoon watching Utah kick BYU up and down the football field than go to the opera. I enjoy low brow, even crass humor, much more than the hilarity of the Magic Flute. However there are still some things of a cultural nature, that I would like to do before I depart from this earthly realm.

I need to visit the Louvre, enjoy Michelangelo's masterpiece on the Sistine Chapel in Rome, in fact I should probably just visit Europe in general. But there is one thing that I need to try that is associated with culture, at least as far as I can deduce, that I have never seen nor used,to date. I know of their existence, and am intrigued. I am speaking of the bidet.

I saw one once on the Crocodile Dundee. "It's for washin' your backside" he says. This movie single handedly sparked a fire deep within my soul to live the high society lifestyle so that I could have access to such a gift from God as a bidet.

I have to admit that it seems like it would be a useful instrument to have lying around your bathroom, but alas I have never had the opportunity. Many is the time that I have wished I had one. Think of the ramifications it could have on the environment by reducing or eliminating toilet paper. Perhaps this is the "go green" business opportunity that I have been looking for. I need to get right on this, and if any of you think of stealing my idea, remember, I have said it before, I am quite litigious!

Through my train of thought, I got to wondering about the logistics of using a bidet. For example, I know that I don't particularly enjoy it when I get a back splash from a plopper. Who does? So then I get to thinking that shooting a stream of cold water up your bum might not be so pleasant despite the obvious up side to being able to have a nice clean crevasse. Let's say you go ahead and utilize one, then what? Is there a wash cloth handy for the dirty work? Is there a bar of soap? Do you have a towel rack next to the bidet for wash cloths and towels? And what of the wet towel and wash cloths if this is the case? Is there laundry basket in proximity for damp bum towels or do you just drop them on the floor and let "the help" take care of that? I imagine that you don't want to be drying your face off with a bum towel and I certainly don't want to be the one rounding up the wet bum towels for the laundry. I suppose it would definitely necessitate having "people" to do that for you.

I would think that you must dis-robe to use a bidet, at least your pantaloons. I can't imagine that you could effectively just drop your drawers and have much success without incidental water coming in contact with your pants, thus creating a whole other issue of walking around with wet trousers subsequent to partaking of the cleansing power of the bidet.

Yep, I have lots of questions about the bidet. It seems like a pain in the ass, well not literally, but it sure seems like the benefits would outweigh the trouble, and is something that I would like to experience some day.


dug said...

i'll tell you what it's like:


enjoy. i certainly do.

Rich said...

Dug my friend, thanks for the link,and answering all of my questions. I have to get me one! Everyone else, I highly recommend you read Dug's link it is spectacular, I am still laughing!

Kristina P. said...

Bidets freak me out.

Boyd said...

Rich, I'm not going to read that link because I don't have to: I've used a bidet numerous times.

First off, the water can be any temperature you want it to be as all the bidets I used had hot and cold water, just like a sink.

Second, the bowl of the bidet is sufficient to handle the splashing, so you really only need to pull down your knickers and underoos, just like when you took the dump you need cleaned off.

Third, the main key is to make sure you keep your sphincter well puckered, because if you don't the powerful stream from the bidet can easily act as an enima.

Fourth, if you are considering installing a bidet in your home, you should factor in the cost of a seperate towel rack/ring for the butt drying rags you will use. You don't want a mix-up, trust me.

Fifth and finally, I highly recommend the usage of the bidet, for it is wonderful.

thepworth said...

My grandma installed a bidet a few years ago when she remodeled her bathroom. I think it's just for aesthetic purposes, but I've been too afraid to ask.

Andrea Sandoval said...

Interesting... your writings are a myriad of weird things that make me slightly uncomfortable. You have carved out a niche for yourself.