Thursday, October 2, 2008

10 Things I Hate About...

I have decided to compile a list. This is not typical for me as I rarely feel the need to categorize and rank things. Realizing of course that any list is really subjective, so just because this is my list, doesn't preclude one from adding or subtracting to it. Feel free to do so through the comment section if you wish. Therefore without further adieu, I give you my list of "Things That Blow Chunks" in no particular order.

1. Blowing Chunks: Sure this is obvious, but tell me, who really likes dropping a technicolor yawn? Ok maybe someone who is bulimic, but I am not certain there is a level of enjoyment to such a disorder. I hate hurling, and I think most, if not all of you, would agree.

2. Stubbing your toe: Nothing sucks worse than when you are just moseying along barefooted and all of the sudden you hear "BAM" followed almost instantaneously by excruciating pain in one of your pediacle appendages.(sure I made that up, but you must admit it sounds medical?) Add in the potential of a possible breaking of the bone and this really blows chunks.

3. The ice maker in my office: This thing really blows chunks and is the inspiration for this posting. I wanted some ice water to quench my parchedness as I work. This bloody thing trickles the ice cubes out one by one like a 70 year old man's urethra that is being strangled by an enlarged prostrate gland. I hate this thing more than I hate, well nothing. It just makes me want to go postal.

4. Being stuck in traffic when you have to pee: Have you ever had this happen? Maybe it's just me, I realize I have been cursed with an over-active bladder. Too many times I have been in a traffic jam and people are just creeping along and my back teeth are floating. It's always on a freeway and it's always in a situation that I don't have a Gatorade bottle handy. I have been lucky thus far and managed to avoid an internal explosion of my bladder, but I just know it is only a matter of time. THAT would really blow chunks.

5. The Dude at the Canyon Inn that wouldn't let me in the door because my drivers license had expired three weeks before: This sum bitch literally wouldn't let me in this bar for my friends party because my DL was expired for three weeks. Look at me, I have grey hairs littered throughout my luscious goatee, it seems quite easily deduced that I am over 21. But Nooooo, bastard made me run home to get my passport. Here's the kicker. I get back and there is a new Dude at the door. I show him the passport and tell him the story, and Dude says, "oh well, I would have just let you in the door." Gee thanks bro, that makes me feel oh so much better. That whole place pretty much blows chunks as far as I am concerned.

6. The Economy: Enough said.

7. Taking a swig off a milk carton then realizing it has expired: Ever do this? Sure I probably deserved it since I shouldn't have been swiggin' right out the carton. I pretty much don't have this happen anymore, since I always check the expiration date now, but it really does blow chunks. In fact it usually leads to literally blowing chunks.

8. "We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you..." : Oh, just the very thought of this message coming across the airwaves really chaps my hide. As the French say "Je detest". I love my programs, don't screw with them please, this really blows chunks. Oh and losing the satellite signal goes right along with this. Dammit mother nature, I'm trying to do my part to help, and this is how you repay me? Don't do that, it really blows chunks.

9. Accidentally swallowing a bug: I hate when that happens. They usually get stuck in your throat and that is what really blows chunks about this. I think what happens is that the sudden shock of this critter flying into your mouth creates an involuntary response from your throat and it clamps down on the thing. "Ack" ,"cough", "ahem", nothing works. You just have to resign yourself to finishing the job by obtaining a liquid to wash it down with. Mear spit won't work because I think in the horror of the moment, the salivary glands shut down creating a failure to produce a substantial enough amount to do the job. Just be careful to check the expiration date on the milk if this is your poison because well, we have already established what happens when you don't.

10. The Shart: If I need to explain why this blows chunks then well, feel free to contact me and ask. It brings with it a plethora of rationales as to why it blows that quite frankly no one wants to have explained to them in an open forum such as this.


Kristina P. said...

Ummm, I've done #9 and #10 within the past year. And I too posted a picture of my nasty toe, when I went foot first into the bathroom door, in the middle of the night, that I didn't realize was closed.

Rich said...

Just so you know Kristina I had a particularly excellent comment for your post today, however the damn thing wouldn't let me post it for some reason. I saved it in case you want it, but I can't make your comment section work for me today.
Your post was spectacular!
Sorry to hear about your toe and well ummm yeah your toe!

Boyd said...

Everything but number 5 has afflicted me in the last year. Another sucky thing is thinking you have constipation only to find out that you need your appendix removed only to find out that once they were inside of you they decided to repair your hernia for not the second but the third time. That sucks.

Rich said...

I miss you B!