Wednesday, October 15, 2008

GROSS Anatomy


My wife is buggin' me to go see this Body exhibit. Have you seen this thing? Apparently there are several of these things around the world and they are comprised of all these dead people that have donated themselves to science. Then in return for their good deeds, they have been re-paid by being turned inside out and put on display. They are basically mummified and posed in all these awkward positions. Maybe it's just me, but this just gives me the heebie jeebies. As an aside, what is a heebie jeebie and are they contagious?


I don't get it. These are dead human corpses people! Gross! To make matters worse I checked out the website and I'll be damned if they aren't selling merchandise. Oh I realize that merchandising is the sweetest nugget when it comes to this sort of thing, but seriously people. A key chain with one of these zombified homo sapiens?
I have to believe that these things are coming alive at night just like in that lame ass movie A Night at the Museum. You thought Ben Stiller had it bad with that cheeky little monkey stealing his keys all the time. Mix in some zombies looking to satisfy their need for brains and that little monkey will look like a chia pet in comparison. (Notice the inclusion of my previous two blogs?)


So this is one of those things that I believe I will have to give in to, because she said please like a thousand times. I have no desire to go see these freaky things, but I probably will because that's just the kind of guy that I am. Don't worry, I'll get mine by making her do something she absolutely doesn't want to do. Compromise is a lovely thing!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ch ch ch chia

Has anyone ever actually purchased and grown a Chiapet? You can tell me, I won't judge. As Christmas nears it occurs to me that we will start seeing advertisements for this mythical creature, the Chia. I have always been curious about these things, not enough to actually make the purchase, but there is a certain level of intrigue that they hold for me.
A quick scan of Wiki tells me that they first crashed onto the scene in 1982 and are named Chia Pets after the plant Salvia hispanica, common name chia. Apparently this is edible, much like the alfalfa sprouts that one might consume on a lovely salad or samich. Perhaps you may think the same thing I did when I saw Salvia in the name. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Salvia, this is also a herb, only one that is used by kids these days as a hallucinogen. This however, was a dead end. I had postulated that one would only purchase such a novelty item on the supposition that the plant must posses some sort of recreational uses, but further Wiki-search has put the proverbial kibosh on that theory.


Anyone out there remember Sea Monkeys? Damn those were cool. Well, when I was like 6 they were cool. Then someone broke the news to me that they were just brine shrimp. Talk about a real downer. I would put that one right up there with the Tooth Fairy not being real. I loved those little aquatic monkeys swimming around in their little sea cage. I imagined them doing all sorts of funny, underwater, monkey shines. (see my earlier post for examples!) I tell you what, someone was thinkin'when they marketed brine shrimp as Sea Monkeys. They got my parents money!




I won't even go into the farce that is the pet rock. P.T. Barnum said it best,(although this is even disputed as to what he really said) "There's a sucker born every minute." God bless free enterprise.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Chicken Delight

Original or Extra Crispy? Who doesn't love some KFC? I like original recipe, so delicious. Damn that Colonel with his wee bitty eyes. Everyone knows that he puts a chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly. (Hardly original I know) What is it about those eleven herbs and spices that makes it so good? The colonel is truly evil for creating such a mistress. It really is finger lickin' good! I have been known, on many the occasion, to avoid the usage of a napkin in lieu of a good finger lickin'. That would just be a waste of perfectly good chicken juice. Mmmmm chicken juiiicceee.....aaaaghhhhh (drool)


I don't mind the Extra Crispy, in fact quite the opposite. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you still get all the eleven herbs and spices AND as a bonus you get the extra breading. How can you go wrong there? The left over crumbs are delectable little nuggets of joy, just sitting there for your snacking pleasure.

Don't forget the sides. I know it's just instant, fake potatoes, but I'll be damned if I don't just adore their mashed potatoes and gravy. Oh and the slaw....mmmmm. That slaw juice mixes in with the gravy and it is almost ambrosia. I'm not a huge biscuit fan, I prefer the cornbread. I think the biscuits are kind of dry and crumbly, although throw some gravy on those bad boys and now you're talkin' about a delicious combination.
I have a real Pavlovian response going at the moment. I am salivating and my tummy is growling. I should know better than to go writing a blog during lunch time. Think I'm a gonna go get me a three piece.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Monkey=Funny

Why do we as the human race find our primate cousins to be so funny? I don't know the answer, they just are. (Perhaps it has to do with more cowbell?) I loves me some monkey humor. I defy you to just look at these pictures without at least smiling, if not give a laugh out loud. Monkeys do funny things in addition to looking funny. Who doesn't enjoy seeing a monkey hurl it's feces at an unsuspecting visitor or drink it's own urine? Watch this video and tell me that you didn't chuckle? Go ahead I'll wait.....See? Funny!
Look at this one, he is doing a Gene Simmons impersonation. I bet he gets all the monkey ladies with that tongue!

Even the monkey's think that monkey's are funny. Look at this one. You just know that he is laughing at the monkey antics of another and just cracking up.



Wazzzzzzzz uuuuuppppppp


After all we aren't all that far removed from them genetically, and evolutionally.....don't you think?











Wednesday, October 8, 2008

All Hallows Tale


The full moon peeked it's head above the mountain top beginning it's monthly illumination of the valley, climbing slowly upward like some regal monarch ascending a throne, ruling over all that belong to the night. The lunar luminescence of this lesser heavenly body spreads upon it's subjects, the trees, casting eery shadows upon the ground. One's imagination could run wild on a night like this, spawning horrific images within, that if left un-checked, could induce anxiety and panic in an individual.

It had taken many years of therapy and psychotropic medications to bring Jim to a level of functioning that would allow him to adequately cope with the demons that haunted him each year. All Hallows Eve had always sent him into a place so dark and lonely that nothing could quiet his tortured soul. His annual ritual for this pagan celebration was much different than the other children he grew up with. Jim always spent this night locked in a psych hospital, heavily sedated. His parents had no explanations to give to the medical staff, only that it began when he was 4 years old and got worse each year, and only on Halloween.

As he reached adulthood, his fears gradually subsided but never fully vanished. No longer did he require the obligatory hospitalization that he knew throughout his childhood. Now that he had his own child, he didn't want him to suffer the same fate that he had suffered all those years. This was the year. He finally felt well enough to take his now 4 year old child out for trick or treat. As his wife readied their child for the foray into the neighborhood, he sat on the edge of their bed, practicing breathing techniques preparing for the battle he would face.

The moon, now standing fully visible in the sky, stared back at Jim as he waited on the porch for his wife and child to emerge from the house. A small group of children approached him adorned in their disguises; "trick or treat" they exclaimed. Jim reached in the front door producing a large bowl of assorted candies. The children rummaged through the bowl taking what they found to their liking. "Thank you" and off they went to the next house. Jim ventured off the porch pacing back and forth on the sidewalk in front of his domicile.

A mosquito began buzzing around his head. He swatted at this pest creating a whirl of wind around it but failing to deter it from it's desire to have it's evening meal at Jim's expense. Suddenly as if from out of nowhere, a bat had picked up on the signal of the mosi and swooped in for a take out meal at the expense of the parasite that hummed in front of Jim's face. The wing of the flying mammal slapped him in the face as it snapped up the mosquito and then quickly retreated, leaving Jim short one heartbeat and breathless. Determined to finally extricate himself from his life long incarceration, he managed to regain his composure. He glanced at his watch, noticing that it had only been 3 minutes since stepping out of the house, but feeling as if it had already been an eternity.

As his heart beat and breathing returned to normal, he stood on the sidewalk contemplating how best to proceed with the plan to finally overcome his curse. Another mosquito found it's way to Jim, this one landing on his arm. Becoming suddenly aware of the sting from the poking of a miniature hypodermic needle attached to the insect, he slapped it, leaving blood splattered on his forearm. Almost as if a scent had been released into the air much like the effect of a shark bite creating notification to other sharks in the area that soup's on, a nearby swarm of mosquitoes heard the cry of sustenance and made their way to the new found smorgasbord.

One by one thousands of mosquitoes had their way with Jim's exposed epidermis, poking and prodding at him like some 15 year old boy trying to cop his first feel. Un-sated from it's amuse bouche, the bat hears the squabble that has ensued, making it's way back to the melee between Jim and the mosquitoes. Not only the assailant from the previous drive by, but now his cronies have notified one another through sonar, that the feast is on.

Squeals of excitement exude through the night air like some animalistic dinner bell, creating a frenzy of activity around the man. Swooping in upon their prey, the hunter has now become the hunted. Mosquito feasting upon it's quarry, only to become the meal of a larger, faster predator.
A chunk of flesh gets ripped from his ear where a dozen mosquitoes had set up drilling, only to become the main course along with the flesh of man.

Horrified and paralyzed Jim cowers into a fetal position, unable to release the scream that has built up inside. He has been overcome by a collage of insects and mammals that have now piece by piece begun to shred his exposed arms and face. Terrestrial pirranah's devouring, gorging themselves upon a once in a life time menu. His eyes clench tightly, but to no avail as the bats make short work of this tender flesh, leaving his eye balls exposed forcing him to watch this horror, yet being unable to fight back.

Mustering every ounce of will that remains within, he manages to expel the remaining air in his lungs to create a scream that would make one's skin crawl if heard. Startled by this intense and horrific sound his wife wakes from her slumber, shaking Jim to arouse him from the nightmare that had him trapped. Jim sits up in his bed, soaking wet from the drops of sweat that have permeated through his pajamas, breathing heavily trying to gather his wits. "You must have been dreaming again honey" his wife consoles. A single mosquito buzzes it's way around the bedroom lighting upon his exposed arm. Feeling the sting of the miniature hypodermic needle piercing his skin, he quickly swats at it, leaving blood splattered upon his arm. "Get some rest honey, tonight is Halloween"

Thursday, October 2, 2008

10 Things I Hate About...

I have decided to compile a list. This is not typical for me as I rarely feel the need to categorize and rank things. Realizing of course that any list is really subjective, so just because this is my list, doesn't preclude one from adding or subtracting to it. Feel free to do so through the comment section if you wish. Therefore without further adieu, I give you my list of "Things That Blow Chunks" in no particular order.


1. Blowing Chunks: Sure this is obvious, but tell me, who really likes dropping a technicolor yawn? Ok maybe someone who is bulimic, but I am not certain there is a level of enjoyment to such a disorder. I hate hurling, and I think most, if not all of you, would agree.


2. Stubbing your toe: Nothing sucks worse than when you are just moseying along barefooted and all of the sudden you hear "BAM" followed almost instantaneously by excruciating pain in one of your pediacle appendages.(sure I made that up, but you must admit it sounds medical?) Add in the potential of a possible breaking of the bone and this really blows chunks.

3. The ice maker in my office: This thing really blows chunks and is the inspiration for this posting. I wanted some ice water to quench my parchedness as I work. This bloody thing trickles the ice cubes out one by one like a 70 year old man's urethra that is being strangled by an enlarged prostrate gland. I hate this thing more than I hate, well nothing. It just makes me want to go postal.

4. Being stuck in traffic when you have to pee: Have you ever had this happen? Maybe it's just me, I realize I have been cursed with an over-active bladder. Too many times I have been in a traffic jam and people are just creeping along and my back teeth are floating. It's always on a freeway and it's always in a situation that I don't have a Gatorade bottle handy. I have been lucky thus far and managed to avoid an internal explosion of my bladder, but I just know it is only a matter of time. THAT would really blow chunks.

5. The Dude at the Canyon Inn that wouldn't let me in the door because my drivers license had expired three weeks before: This sum bitch literally wouldn't let me in this bar for my friends party because my DL was expired for three weeks. Look at me, I have grey hairs littered throughout my luscious goatee, it seems quite easily deduced that I am over 21. But Nooooo, bastard made me run home to get my passport. Here's the kicker. I get back and there is a new Dude at the door. I show him the passport and tell him the story, and Dude says, "oh well, I would have just let you in the door." Gee thanks bro, that makes me feel oh so much better. That whole place pretty much blows chunks as far as I am concerned.



6. The Economy: Enough said.




7. Taking a swig off a milk carton then realizing it has expired: Ever do this? Sure I probably deserved it since I shouldn't have been swiggin' right out the carton. I pretty much don't have this happen anymore, since I always check the expiration date now, but it really does blow chunks. In fact it usually leads to literally blowing chunks.



8. "We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you..." : Oh, just the very thought of this message coming across the airwaves really chaps my hide. As the French say "Je detest". I love my programs, don't screw with them please, this really blows chunks. Oh and losing the satellite signal goes right along with this. Dammit mother nature, I'm trying to do my part to help, and this is how you repay me? Don't do that, it really blows chunks.

9. Accidentally swallowing a bug: I hate when that happens. They usually get stuck in your throat and that is what really blows chunks about this. I think what happens is that the sudden shock of this critter flying into your mouth creates an involuntary response from your throat and it clamps down on the thing. "Ack" ,"cough", "ahem", nothing works. You just have to resign yourself to finishing the job by obtaining a liquid to wash it down with. Mear spit won't work because I think in the horror of the moment, the salivary glands shut down creating a failure to produce a substantial enough amount to do the job. Just be careful to check the expiration date on the milk if this is your poison because well, we have already established what happens when you don't.

10. The Shart: If I need to explain why this blows chunks then well, feel free to contact me and ask. It brings with it a plethora of rationales as to why it blows that quite frankly no one wants to have explained to them in an open forum such as this.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Creation and What Not

Do you ever see something and just think to yourself, "what the hell was God thinking when he created that?" I've had this thought process a number of times in my life.

We have all heard the story of Adam and Eve and their expulsion from the garden of Eden due to their negligence of one simple rule...don't eat the apple. Then just for shits and giggles he tests them with a talking snake and long story short they break the rule. Talk about setting them up to fail, I mean come on, a talking snake? That would be hard to resist for any of us. That's a pretty good parlor trick I'm thinkin', so how can you blame them?

So anyway, God gets pissed, kicks them out, and things get pretty harsh. They deserved it, they broke the rules, and now women get the pain, I mean, joy of experiencing child birth. You ladies can thank mother Eve for that one. But I am not here to place blame for who broke the rules first. We all know women have all the control over men anyway. I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, life gets harsh. Weeds and the likes, menial labor, etc. Like I said, they did the crime they should do the time.

So God created everything right? Man, women, plants and animals. All manner of things were created and they were created for the use of man. But this gets me thinking, of what use do I have for things like mosquitoes or just bugs in general. They aren't named bugs because they are the most awesome things that God whipped out in those six days. They are called bugs because they "BUG" people. It all comes back to that whole punishment thing for the oppositional defiance disorder that Eve had.

So I start to think one of two things. 1) God was really pissed and didn't want to stop with something as simple as making them have to pull weeds in their garden. 2) God has a pretty damn good sense of humor and perhaps he is even a little sadistic. I am inclined to think that the latter is probably the most likely postulation, after all have you seen the faces that people pull when they are having sex? (My apologies to Kevin Smith for the plagiarism)

"But Rich" you say, "that covers the humor part, but what of the sadistic piece to the puzzle?" Patience my children I am getting there.
Think of all the many, many things on this Earth that are just plain wrong and cause us pain and suffering. I won't make a list for you because I am certain that once I give you this one example, you need not look any further for confirmation.

Look at this creature and then tell me that God isn't sadistic in the least bit. Go ahead gaze upon the horror and help me understand why God felt the need to create such an abomination? You have to wonder what this poor fellow did to deserve such a lot in life? Proof positive that God finds humor in the suffering of others. Your welcome.