Cat
Dog
Much better than cat
Sure they lick balls then lick you
Happy to see you
Mornings
Winter
Cold snow blankets all
Looks pretty, no fun to drive
Go away Winter
A humorous, slightly warped, journey through the mind of Me
I realize that I am getting older. Everyday I do or say something that is a cold, hard slap of reality in the face. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am old just yet. But when I can't move because my back is Eff'd up or I look at the resplendent waves of whiskers in my goatee, I can see father time taking his toll on me.
ht go straight to the NPR card, but no, not so. This day I turned on the radio as I drove in to work and I hear a tasty gem from the 70's era by The Commodores. The funktastic, Brick House. The very first concert I ever went to was The Commodores, I am not ashamed, I loved it. This is still one of my top 5 concerts ever.
ts at humor (talking over the music) about this song and failing miserably. I just don't get it anymore. I used to, but I no longer have the patience for such idiocy. Hence my oldness. I feel like the old man on his porch, shaking his fist and yelling at the kids to "get off my lawn!"
pod. Ok that is a small lie. I own one but it is broken and it's a old piece of dung. (much like the steaming pile of feces that these alleged radio DJ's produce, wrap it in tin foil, attach fish hooks and call them ear rings.) The thing just gave up the ghost about a year ago. Being a poor social worker, I haven't the monetary wherewith all to replace it with the one I really want, the 80 gig video Ipod. I am like the only one that doesn't have one. That plus I would need to purchase a fancy shmancy transmitter thingy mabobby to make it work with the radio so I could listen in the car.
buddies of mine and the wife says to me...."if Kate Hudson is there, you can't run off with her." Don't get me wrong, I am waaaaay better lookin' than Chris Robinson, but I don't have a kick ass band, she would never go for me. But then she goes and dumps Chris for Owen Wilson.
Ok I get it, he's cute with the blond hair and all, but his nose is just atrocious. No worries it's his trademark I wouldn't expect him to change that, plus hell, he got Kate to leave Chris so there has to be something to this guy.
ated on Chris, so I don't necessarily think that she has to stop liking the Black Crowes music. I am working on the assumption that she actually did like them, after all she was married to Chris Robinson, I would hope she was into his music.
and banged Denise Richards? Who could stop listening to the
Jovi? Not me! So how does Heather cope with that, I mean her Ipod would take a serious hit if she has to stop liking Bon Jovi. For Denise Richards she gets the bonus of still having an Ipod full of rockin' Bon Jovi, AND she is no longer obliged to endure having to watch Two and Half Men. I can't see how she loses in this vignette. But poor Heather she has to turn to little man David Spade for her needs. Could you imagine those two competing for mirror time?
I almost think that his hair demands as much attention as Heather's does. Don't hate him because he's beautiful Heather, men's hair needs love too.
when she sang the Walk Like an Egyptian, that eye thing she did was a bit funky and made me believe that she might go all Fatal Attraction. Oh and that dance, what the crap was that? Yeah I didn't care for that at all, but the song was ok. But I digress.
Times. I hate it. I like to think that I am a purist when it comes to some of the classics, and the Mighty Mighty Zep is just not a band whose music you go and mess with. Oh and don't get me started on these damn "mash up" songs that the idiot DJ's are doing. They think they are so cool, taking two songs and re-mixing them together. I absolutely DETEST these moronic music monkeys who think they are oh so clever, creating such an atrocity and then forcing the public to be tortured by listening to this crap.
it before. I remember when that little bitch Tiffany did I Think We're Alone Now. I remember hearing people say what a great song that was, when in reality Tommy James and the Shondells had done it back in the 60's, long before that ungrateful little princess was even a twinkle in her father's eye. Foolish children thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread, when in reality she was just a little mall rat, duping young girls into thinking that they could live the American dream, touring around and singing to droves of screaming teenie boppers in the mall. And I know some of you dudes out there were running out to those glorified glee club performances, just on the hopes that she would take a look at your horrible 80's hair doo and drag you back stage to the ladies room that was converted to her dressing room and give you a NCMO. 
matters worse I checked out the website and I'll be damned if they aren't selling merchandise. Oh I realize that merchandising is the sweetest nugget when it comes to this sort of thing, but seriously people. A key chain with one of these zombified homo sapiens?
Has anyone ever actually purchased and grown a Chiapet? You can tell me, I won't judge. As Christmas nears it occurs to me that we will start seeing advertisements for this mythical creature, the Chia. I have always been curious about these things, not enough to actually make the purchase, but there is a certain level of intrigue that they hold for me.
when I was like 6 they were cool. Then someone broke the news to me that they were just brine shrimp. Talk about a real downer. I would put that one right up there with the Tooth Fairy not being real. I loved those little aquatic monkeys swimming around in their little sea cage. I imagined them doing all sorts of funny, unde
rwater, monkey shines. (see my earlier post for examples!) I tell you what, someone was thinkin'when they marketed brine shrimp as Sea Monkeys. They got my parents money! 
Original or Extra Crispy? Who doesn't love some KFC? I like original recipe, so delicious. Damn that Colonel with his wee bitty eyes. Everyone knows that he puts a chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly. (Hardly original I know) What is it
about those eleven herbs and spices that makes it so good? The colonel is truly evil for creating such a mistress. It really is finger lickin' good! I have been known, on many the occasion, to avoid the usage of a napkin in lieu of a good finger lickin'. That would just be a waste of perfectly good chicken juice. Mmmmm chicken juiiicceee.....aaaaghhhhh (drool)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you still get all the eleven herbs and spices AND as a bonus you get the extra breading. How can you go wrong there? The left over crumbs are delectable little nuggets of joy, just sitting there for your snacking pleasure.
Don't forget the sides. I know it's just instant, fake potatoes, but I'll be damned if I don't just adore their mashed potatoes and gravy. Oh and the slaw....mmmmm. That slaw juice mixes in with the gravy and it is almost ambrosia. I'm not a huge biscuit fan, I prefer the cornbread. I think the biscuits are kind of dry and crumbly, although throw some gravy on those bad boys and now you're talkin' about a delicious combination.
Why do we as the human race find our primate cousins to be so funny? I don't know the answer, they just are. (Perhaps it has to do with more cowbell?) I loves me some monkey humor. I defy you to just look at these pictures without at least smiling, if not give a laugh out loud. Monkeys do funny things in addition to looking funny. Who doesn't enjoy seeing a monkey hurl it's feces at an unsuspecting visitor or drink it's own urine? Watch this video and tell me that you didn't chuckle? Go ahead I'll wait.....See? Funny!

really likes dropping a technicolor yawn? Ok maybe someone who is bulimic, but I am not certain there is a level of enjoyment to such a disorder. I hate hurling, and I think most, if not all of you, would agree.
worse than when you are just moseying along barefooted and all of the sudden you hear "BAM" followed almost instantaneously by excruciating pain in one of your pediacle appendages.(sure I made that up, but you must admit it sounds medical?) Add in the potential of a possible breaking of the bone and this really blows chunks.
parchedness as I work. This bloody thing trickles the ice cubes out one by one like a 70 year old man's urethra that is being strangled by an enlarged prostrate gland. I hate this thing more than I hate, well nothing. It just makes me want to go postal.
happen? Maybe it's just me, I realize I have been cursed with an over-active bladder. Too many times I have been in a traffic jam and people are just creeping along and my back teeth are floating. It's always on a freeway and it's always in a situation that I don't have a Gatorade bottle handy. I have been lucky thus far and managed to avoid an internal explosion of my bladder, but I just know it is only a matter of time. THAT would really blow chunks.
ause my drivers license had expired three weeks before: This sum bitch literally wouldn't let me in this bar for my friends party because my DL was expired for three weeks. Look at me, I have grey hairs littered throughout my luscious goatee, it seems quite easily deduced that I am over 21. But Nooooo, bastard made me run home to get my passport. Here's the kicker. I get back and there is a new Dude at the door. I show him the passport and tell him the story, and Dude says, "oh well, I would have just let you in the door." Gee thanks bro, that makes me feel oh so much better. That whole place pretty much blows chunks as far as I am concerned.
6. The Economy: Enough said.
do this? Sure I probably deserved it since I shouldn't have been swiggin' right out the carton. I pretty much don't have this happen anymore, since I always check the expiration date now, but it really does blow chunks. In fact it usually leads to literally blowing chunks.
ally chaps my hide. As the French say "Je detest". I love my programs, don't screw with them please, this really blows chunks. Oh and losing the satellite signal goes right along with this. Dammit mother nature, I'm trying to do my part to help, and this is how you repay me? Don't do that, it really blows chunks.
ink what happens is that the sudden shock of this critter flying into your mouth creates an involuntary response from your throat and it clamps down on the thing. "Ack" ,"cough", "ahem", nothing works. You just have to resign yourself to finishing the job by obtaining a liquid to wash it down with. Mear spit won't work because I think in the horror of the moment, the salivary glands shut down creating a failure to produce a substantial enough amount to do the job. Just be careful to check the expiration date on the milk if this is your poison because well, we have already established what happens when you don't.
he least bit. Go ahead gaze upon the horror and help me understand why God felt the need to create such an abomination? You have to wonder what this poor fellow did to deserve such a lot in life? Proof positive that God finds humor in the suffering of others. Your welcome.